Category Archives: Nutrition

Health, Happiness, and Healing: Starting Over

This sure has been one whirlwind of a week! I have so much to say so I am just going to unload it all in a series of posts in no particular order. I think what I would like to address first is my recent news which many of you already know via my various social media outlets.

Finally after years of seeing doctor after doctor and specialist after specialist I was recently diagnosed with PCOS, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. The road to finally get here has been filled with lots of tears of frustration—lots and lots of tears of frustration. With my recent diagnosis there is a sort of vindication as these last two years many doctors treated me like I was crazy. I mean, my blood work wasn’t just normal; it was stellar, reflective of someone who was very fit and committed to eating healthy. One doctor even beamed, “Your blood work reads like a pediatric patient—it’s even better than my kids!” So if the blood coursing through my body tells a story of health then why did my period mysteriously disappear 2.5 years ago to only come back months later but only intermittently?

How is it possible to gain 30 pounds despite committing to programs and lifestyles like Isagenix, vegetarianism, veganism, going gluten free, and [recently] the Paleo lifestyle paired with an intense fitness regimen?
How is it possible that right around my 30th birthday my reproductive system completely shut down and I was no longer ovulating?

No one it seemed could provide me with any answers so I continued to cry, workout harder, restrict more calories, and cry some more.

Finally one day my gynecologist looked me in the face and flatly said, “Arielle, we have no explanation why you’re infertile when you are so healthy. It seems as if your brain isn’t signaling to your ovaries to release the egg…” [Note: I was not trying to get pregnant] Naturally, not having the answer she decided to give me some hormones to induce menstruation which never did happen. But you know what did? All the wonderful side effects of hormone treatment: extreme mood swings and depression. Deep, deep, deep depression. There were times it was so dark in my mind I actually could see myself ending my life. I know it’s hard to imagine someone ‘like me’, a lover of all things in my life filled with such darkness but when the people we trust to take care of us do not understand what we are suffering from, they toss anything and everything at the problem and hope to find a solution. I felt so alone and angry that my body could just turn on me. I had no control over my cycle, my weight, and now my very own thoughts were being robbed and captained by a beast I could not tame. Thankfully, this extreme darkness only represents a brief period of my life during which I called my mother crying:

“I know I always said I didn’t want children…but now that the universe has stripped me of that gift without asking me and I didn’t even get a say in the matter.”

Eventually, I did start to menstruate albeit irregularly but apparently so long as one gets at least 4 periods a year it’s considered safe. Who knew that? Girls! You can be healthy and only menstruate 4x a year! Stop taking your placebo pills now! Whatever. I still don’t buy this bologna. But when you’re in a crowded room screaming and no one turns around, after a while you stop screaming and walk out.

Fast forward two years later and I am teaching fitness in LA. I have done some unimaginably awesome things like shoot a yoga reel, an indoor cycling fitness video, become a brand ambassador for a fitness clothing line, had a 4th knee surgery, and so much more all while I worked out more and harder and only got fatter. My clothes have stopped fitting. The only things I can really wear and experience some sort of comfort in are ironically workout clothes. I suppose the yoga instructor in me should embrace the fact that regardless of my expanding waistline [and knee injury] I was killing Crossfit workouts, running serious distance, and a cycling machine so I should be happy, right?

There is nothing worse than looking at yourself in the mirror, pinching the oozing sides of your stomach, then poking it in an effort to will it back into place. What’s more, there is nothing worse than facing the people of your classes wondering if they’re staring at you wondering how a fat ass like you landed this gig in the first place.

The cycle of self-hatred is vicious and to top it all off, when a doctor tells you that you’re gaining weight because ‘you eat too much’ it really doesn’t help the cause.

I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t just fade away into the masses and leave this thing alone, whatever this “thing” was with my body. All I kept telling myself and imploring doctors:

“I’m a yoga instructor damn it, I know the body. I understand the body. I know my body and I am telling you something just isn’t right.”

In yet another attempt to get some answers, recently I made a second appointment with my new gynecologist to get some answers. And though I am not sure I am any closer to understanding my body and why it hates me, I did finally get a diagnosis and have started medication.

But the real reason why I am sharing my story is to empower other women. Each day is a struggle to love my physical-self as I can be terribly rigid when it comes to self-acceptance. I genuinely want to take the steps to understand and control my PCOS while learning how to love myself. Since I subscribe to the notion that community can help elevate us all I have started a secret Facebook group for women with endocrine disorders, autoimmune diseases, eating disorders, body dysmorphia, cancer, or depression. Really I wanted to create a place for women looking to understand their inner-selves a little more is welcome. I wanted a sacred space where we share, we heal, and we work towards understanding ourselves just a little better. I wanted a place for women to share their stories without feeling judged and to feel heard. I wanted a place for someone like me to feel less alone and cultivate the tools to learn how to build myself up instead of berating myself for my self-imposed inadequacies.

I created this space for woman to stop surviving and to learn how to thrive.

I have never been one to sit and wallow in self-pity for an extended period of time. Notice how I carefully used the words extended period of time. But with my recent diagnosis I hit the interwebs and have started collecting a group of strong, beautiful, passionate women who are looking to connect. Perhaps it’s our pain that brings us together, but it’s our love and compassion that unites us. After all, my entire life has been about servitude—English teacher, yoga instructor, cycling instructor. I do not know how to do anything else. But what life has taught me is that I can be a victim of circumstance or I can take an active role in all of this and be a victor. I am choosing to stop allowing my exterior to determine my self-worth and how I feel about myself. Though I recognize what an uphill battle that this will be, with the community of women in my new support group I know we can do this together.

Manifest OUR Destiny

About a week ago, Greg and I sat down and set our intentions for 2015. I really enjoyed carving time out of our lives to bring some direction and purpose to how we wanted to continue to embark upon our lives [as a soon-to-be married couple]. What’s more, when we sat down to make this list then completed it, I didn’t toss it aside to implement in 2015. For me, writing down things I wanted to manifest meant that there was no time like the present to dig right in and get down and dirty as we manifested our destinies.
I wanted to start simple. As with any sort of intention one sets, it should be the right blend of challenging just outside your reach to promote growth but also should be attainable. For me this meant biting off something that with my knee surgery looming in the near future I could still tackle with moderate success. I glanced down at my list and realize it’s largely composed of the physical self, and then my phone lights up. It’s another text from a friend chronicling how much we’d love to get together but we are both just so busy.

And then it dawns upon me, what kind of person and friend have I become? Have I really become the friend that creeps your Facebook, likes your pictures, and comments on your successes and happiness on Instgram but cannot pull it together to get in a phone call or come over?! This realization angered me and right then and there I committed to the people I care about:

Be a better friend.

None of this “Come take my class then we can hang after” garbage; It was time to demand the same level of friendship that I demand of those in my life. In the short time since I have dedicated myself to truly being present for my friends I have celebrated the birthday of a beloved student who takes my yoga classes, had dinner with a dear friend whom I also met while teaching yoga years ago, visited a friend who is pregnant, and listened to a friend going through a tough breakup while running errands. It feels pretty darn good to elevate people in my life other then in a fitness room. It feels good just listening, breaking bread, and simply just being me. After all, isn’t that what the essence of friendship is all about? With that, I have decided to let you all into how Greg and I plan to better ourselves and now you can hold us accountable!

Arielle and Greg’s Manifesto

Greg

Arielle

  •  Box
  • Stretch More
  • Create business plan for restaurant concept/s
  • Save money and get out of debt
  • Get 6-pack [back]
  • Eat better
  • Drink less Starbucks
  • Read more
  • Get back into playing soccer
  • Find some sort of Martial Arts and try it!
  • Surf as much as possible
  • Do more yoga
  • Blog more regularly
  • Make more time for friends
  • Be better with finances
  • Be less unkind to myself

Commitments as a Couple

  • Secure some sort of sponsorship or ambassadorship for a fitness brand, race, or affiliated organization
  • Launch Relationships for Life: A 6-week life training program that Greg and I co-authored aimed at working to build [healthy and fun] relationships with food, fitness, significant others, and self
  • Continuing to lead a healthy lifestyle: Focusing in particular on our own fitness but most importantly, our attention to nutrition. Whether it’s Paleo or adopting a new lifestyle
  • Earn our Trifecta*

*The Trifecta is when one runs and completes Spartan Race’s 3 races: the Sprint, Super, and Beast in one calendar year. I completed my Trifecta in 2013 but Greg and I love Spartan Race and set our sights on completing one together and then finishing in 2015 as a married couple!

Now, as you can see Greg and I have some serious work to do. But I can tell you that this is work that I am eager to work through, into, and take it all in for whatever the universe has got coming for me. As some of you already know, some items on my Manifesto are already in the works. Some things haven’t been started and some terrify me. Like I mentioned in yesterday’s post, that’s what goals should do: Push you to the edge of something terrifying and just when you cannot take it anymore and you are petrified—LEAP!

Yet, despite this pretty rad list of things that Greg and I will work vigilantly at achieving in 2015; the greatest commitment I will make this year is on June 20th when Greg and I wed in front of our family and friends.

Looking Back to Look Ahead: Part II

Here’s to ending 2014 insightfully with some retrospection–let’s end this on a high note!

6. Coming back to school in the fall of 2014 was certainly a doosey. When I arrived back at work, I learned that I wasn’t teaching what I was told I would be teaching before summer break. There were no texts available for the new courses I would be teaching, or even recommended texts. I was teaching FIVE different courses, and our school had a new bell schedule which meant teachers were now teaching an extra academic class meaning we taught SIX periods a day. Needless to say, the transition from summer to school was not smooth.

As if my shift back to the classroom wasn’t rocky enough, my hellacious 9th graders were train wrecks. Yes, I said it—train wrecks. My new crop of students not only had ZERO work habits but in my 10 years as an educator, they were by far the most unmotivated group I had ever encountered.

Within the first week of school, students already lost their textbooks, rendering them unprepared for class daily and unable to complete homework. And homework? Ha. Right from the start of the school year, my 9th graders earned mostly Fails and they didn’t seem to care about repeating the course in 10th grade, in effect making them 9th graders for a second year in a row. On any given day, it wasn’t unusual for me to have 1/3 of my classes absent due to truancy and ditching. Students rarely brought materials, completed class work, let alone complete writing assignments. I came to school daily to fight a losing battle and it was destroying me.

Ms. Miller is gayFor me, a turning point came only about 3 weeks into the school year when I found tagging on my desk stating: “Ms. Miller is Gay”. Now, of all the things one could say about me, I don’t find the term gay to be offensive. But what irked me about this hate speech was that this student thought he/she was hurting me by calling me gay AND that he/she thought that it was acceptable to use the word gay with the intention of hurting other people’s feelings. Despite what I thought to be one of the most powerful lessons I have taught to date with real-life articles about gay teens being bullied to the point of suicide, videos, and compelling writing assignments, the student who wrote, “Ms. Miller is Gay” still found his comment funny because according to him “it was funny because it wasn’t about him…

It was at this point I started sending my resumes to other schools.

7. After Ragnar Trail in October, Greg and I decided to commit to really cleaning up our diets. Despite eating relatively healthy, at the urging of our friend and chiropractor Dr. Lisa V we purchased It Starts with Food by Dallas and Melissa Hartwig and Paleo Comfort Foods by Julie Sullivan Mayfield and Charles Mayfield. I nearly devoured It Starts with Food, which is what most people know as The Whole 30. I couldn’t get enough of this new lifestyle that omits gluten, dairy, soy, legumes, sugar, and preservatives. Now, I know you are thinking cutting out so much seems impossible. After all, how could you possibly go without cheese? Trust me, once you educate yourself, or as I like to say ‘Liberate Yourself’, you will not want to eat cheese again. I am here to tell you that once I cleaned up my diet and life, I felt full longer, I was satiated after eating, and I looked better too. Seriously, going Paleo was the 2nd best thing to happen to me next to meeting Greg. Without getting too preachy, learning about how certain foods sparked inflammation and impacted my body inspired me to really commit to this lifestyle.

Michelle and Henry signingOnce Greg and I started cooking, we couldn’t stop. We started meal prepping on Sunday’s, which meant we shopped together and cooked together. Suddenly eating wasn’t an imposition it was now an adventure. We bought several more cookbooks including Nom Nom Paleo by Michelle Tam and Henry Fong and even went to meet Michelle and her husband Henry for a book signing in Pasadena in late October! Who did we turn into? We were baking Paleo cookies, reading everything we could possibly find on the Paleo lifestyle from PaleOMG to Paleo Grubs and we still loved eating Paleo! You know why? Because when something isn’t a diet or fad and is based on real science with tangible results, adopting a way of eating is not temporary. It becomes engrained into your household; hence, becoming a lifestyle. For me, Paleo took on a life of its own and signified so much more than just a new way of eating and looking at food. Paleo reformulated how I looked at food entirely. As a matter of fact, as someone who has struggled with my relationship with food since I was a teen, I found that Paleo inspired me to want to eat, to want to eat well, and actually enjoy eating instead of viewing eating as a necessity and chore as I did in the past. The Paleo lifestyle gave me a new lease on my own connectedness with food by liberating me from the self-imposed chains I bore for more than a decade. So as I continue to nourish my body and heal through healthy foods, remember from Team Awesome’s culinary cave to yours: Go Paleo, #ItsALifestyle! Signed nom nom paleo

8. In October I interviewed at Fairfax High School in West Hollywood. After my 2nd interview, I was offered a position for the spring semester teaching English 9, 10 Honors, and 11. Despite being under contract at Bernstein High School and knowing that leaving one school for another school in a lateral move would be highly frowned upon from Bernstein administration, I had to take the risk and ask for a transfer. I just had Even though I loved working with my AP Language class and coaching the Girls Soccer team, in the end I opted to leave Bernstein in favor of Fairfax. For me it came down to a really basic thing: I just wasn’t happy. And if my yoga practice and studies taught me anything it was to take risks, live with your heart, never apologize for who you are, and if something no longer serves you then let it go. In this case, leaving Bernstein embodied all of what I have learned from my yogic teachings but this is also a pivotal time for me.

Recently, I have been feeling deflated by my work in education. My soul doesn’t seem to be as fulfilled in my work as it was in the past. For some reason, my heart is telling me that there just may be something else out there for me. Who knows?

My move to Fairfax is so much more than just a change of scenery. Fairfax is my last ditch effort to revitalize my passions for education. It is my last stand and last effort to see if I can continue to shape young minds and try to change the world before throwing in the towel and moving on. Fairfax is my do or die time. I refuse to just walk away without a fight so this is my last round, folks. Fingers crossed.

9. I never thought that at 32 years old after three knee surgeries that I would be sitting on my couch elevating my knee after a FOURTH surgery. I guess that’s life, right? Finally, after almost 1.5 years of modified fitness activities, constant pain, and many missed Spartan Races, I am now on the road to recovery.

Right now I am home resting and I will be seeing the doctor in a few days to discuss my rehab and his recommendations for my future athletic endeavors. Given what I have been told post-op, it seems that in 2015 I may need to re-examine my relationship with fitness and the things I love. As it stanKnee surgeryds now, it appears that Crossfit and running may not be in the cards for me. Naturally upon hearing this, I was angry and the ‘why me’s’ of self-pity quickly set in. But as quickly as self-pity washed over me, it then dissipated when I started thinking about all of the other things that I have been wanting to try or really incorporate into my fitness regimen such as surfing, paddle boarding, swimming, cycling (like real cycling on a bike outside), and so much more. As my list of new and exciting things grew, I looked at my knee and realized that my knee doesn’t represent what I cannot do, for the only limitations that exist are the ones we impose upon ourselves.

10. The last bit of my reflection for 2014 is for you. Each and every soul I have come into contact with this year whether on a yoga mat, on a bike, in a classroom, on the street, where ever and whenever—you have helped shape this year and my ability to look back in order to look ahead. Thank you for your honesty when I needed it [and may not have wanted it], your hugs, your love, your friendships, and our growth together. I sign this very long two-part post off with well wishes and a happy heart as we move forward confidently into 2015.

 

Peace. Love. And Bliss.

Namaste.

If You’re Happy and Love Yourself, Clap Your Hands!?

I’m not counting days anymore, sorry, I can’t. I am not even back at school yet and life is running away with me and I am having a hard time keeping up with this blog. In part I have been so silent because Greg and I are eagerly planning, or attempting to plan our upcoming wedding, which is so much fun and quite the rabbit hole, if you know what I mean. The wedding planning is part of it, but the real reason is it seems that ugly beast that resides within me telling me I am not good enough has seemed to creep to the surface again.

As I neared and completed my 30-Day Cleanse late last week and earlier this week that inspired this blog in the first place, reality set in, and then the anger. Oh, the anger. I will write exclusively about the cleanse, what it was, and my thoughts on it later this week. But in the meantime, I wanted to share my personal struggles with self-acceptance. I am just going to come out and say it:

  • I hate my body.
  • I hate my stomach.
  • I hate my thighs.
  • I hate my arms.
  • I hate my boobs.
  • I just hate it all.

I have spent the last 6 days pretty much sidelined with a recurring knee injury that just so happens to be my millionth ACL tear [yes, I need surgery AGAIN and no, I do not know when]. Despite my knee and its shortcomings, I have tried hard over the last 9-10 months to not let it effect what I do, how I do it, and my workouts. I have run 3 Spartan Races braced. I limped, hobbled, crawled—did whatever I needed to finish because I wasn’t going to miss out on something I love so dearly. I also ran in the SoCal Ragnar Relay. And I continued to teach yoga and cycling, AND even went back to Crossfit after taking a hiatus. My resolve reminded me that I am a fighter and my knee wasn’t going to hold me back. Unlike a fitness class when I remind people that the mind quits before the body, in my case, my body is in full-fledged rebellion mode—yet again.

I have spent the last couple of days in such agony, they even while resting with the leg propped up, I am gritting my teeth and wincing in pain. The warm, dull, radiating pain washes outward from behind my patella (knee cap) is consuming my thoughts and commandeering my emotions, and all I can muster right now is irritable or more irritable.

As I thought it prudent to scale back on Crossfit for the last week, I still cycled and taught all of classes. My decreased physical fitness level left me with plenty of time to berate myself for my body quitting on me [again] and for the self-hatred to build a not just a home but an offensive mansion in my mind.

I’m not a wallower. Well, I was for a long time in my adult life, but in recent years I have consciously worked to remain positive and active in creating the life I wanted for myself rather than succumbing to circumstance. But over the course of the last few days in looking in the mirror at my cellulite riddled thighs and ass and my soft tummy, I became angry and bitter. The “I work so hard” and “I eat right” and “I hate myself” commentary ran on repeat in my head. I have cried and spent hours trying to figure out how I can possibly avoid wearing a bathing suit on the trip Greg and I are taking next week to Lake George.

“Maybe if I were tanner, it’ll conceal my cellulite.”

“Maybe I can just wear my lululemon shorts with a bathing suit top…? Yeah, that may work.”

So, why do I hate myself? Why can’t I accept who I am? Why can’t I love my body for all that it does for me?

Better yet, how does one learn to love his/her body?

Over the past week, in the last two WOD’s at Crossfit (including today’s), I did well. I would be so bold to even say I did very well. Despite my unrelenting standards and ferocious competitiveness, I ran well, worked hard, and posted great times. Why am I so unable to pat myself on my back and celebrate my own victories? You know why? Because nothing is ever good enough and the same even applies to yoga. My knee has made balancing postures really difficult for me. Actually, it’s very painful so I even avoid demonstrating on my right leg (well now you all know, so the jig is up) and my yoga has taken a major hit due to the instability of the joint. Most days, Vinyasa Yoga, my favorite type of yoga tends to put stress on my joint, triggering pain and discomfort. Much of my personal practice has stagnated and all of those amazing grand ideals of being able to tackle more complex poses have left me feeling deflated and worthless. I mean, how can I be expected to participate in the yoga selfie game and flaunt my asana if my body is shutting down as I am marred by injury after injury? I am being slightly sarcastic here, because I hate the vanity aspect of yoga and the fitness world, but if you want to play in the sandbox sometimes you’ve gotta play by someone else’s rules—it’s just the way it is. Sigh.

I think what is so hard for me to digest about this all is that I feel robbed. I do. I feel like the things I love to do have been prematurely plucked from my grasp and dare I say it—undeservingly so. So the anger sets in. I am frustrated with my body not only for it giving up on me, but despite my workouts, and commitment to nutrition—my body never changes. There I said it, and I feel better for being honest and just putting it all out there.

I try to practice kindness to myself and I try to be patient, but beyond that I do not know how to accept myself. Admittedly, I also don’t know how to love myself. I certainly can help others embrace their bodies and celebrate themselves, but why can’t I do the same for myself? Recently, my dear friend Kat shared something with me while I was venting about my frustrations, “Would I let someone say all those things about my best friend?” The obvious answer is best friend or not—I would never allow someone to say the things I say andthink about myself in my presence about another person I know. So, why am I giving myself permission to hate myself?

Giddy for Gains

Day 11: Thursday, June 19, 2014:

Today was a cleanse day, so like last Thursday no food. However, today was also Day 11 and that meant it was time to take some measurements. Interestingly enough, I am losing from my mid-section, chest, and bust areas first. Hey, I’m not going to complain but normally I lose weight everywhere else first THEN release from the trunk region. All the same, I am excited to report I have lost the following:

  • Chest:            -2 inches
  • Diaphragm:  -2 inches
  • Waist:            -.5 inches
  • Abdomen:     – 1 inch

I would also like to add that I saw an overall loss in other areas too but I felt it wasn’t worth reporting here, as the loss was what I would quantify as negligible.

At this point, I feel fantastic. People are starting to notice the changes in my body saying things like, “You look really good” and “You’re looking really lean.” NOTE when you say these sorts of things to someone who is TRYING really hard to make changes in their life, they feel really, really, really good when they hear these sorts of things so don’t stop doling out praise. Additionally, I am feeling much better overall. I am not napping anymore and haven’t napped since I started the cleanse. As a matter of fact, I am incredibly energized and feeling very rested upon waking in the mornings. What’s also so awesome is I am starting to actually feel more fit, stronger, and leaner. I can feel it and it feels so good.

It is too early to tell whether my results are due to my 30-Day Super Foods Nutritional Cleanse or my increased fitness level. Since starting this cleanse, I used it as an opportunity to reset my life and myself. I used the cleanse to kick-start a healthier me and that meant re-committing myself to MY own fitness for me. So for the past 11 days (and maybe even about a week or so prior), my fitness level has sky rocketed with Crossfit and yoga. So in truth [and it’s still way too early to tell] my gains or shall I say loses, could be a combination of factors. Let’s se how the rest of my time on the cleanse pans out.

Today Can’t Always Change Your Life

Day 8: Monday, June 16, 2014:

 I picked up a new yoga class that’s Monday mornings at 6:30am. And though I have a strong aversion to teaching fitness classes [or doing anything really at that hour aside from sleep] in the morning, I agreed to take it on and see where it goes. What do I have to lose? After class, I came home and napped. I had a solid 1.5 hours to sleep before 10am Crossfit.

9:30am arrives and 9:30 leaves.

I convinced myself that I needed to sleep and opted to skip Crossfit (a decision I regretted all day). I rationalized this extra sleep a few ways but the strongest excuse I devised were that my inflamed traps (trapezious muscles) needed a break. I don’t know, but perhaps there was actually some merit to that.

On Saturday while doing kettlebell swings at Crossfit, when my arms were extended over my head there was an excruciating shooting pain at the base of my neck. It happened immediately during my very first swing too. This was definitely something unusual and foreign to me. Kettlebell swings are my jam—I light them up and take off. What was going on?! Before panic set in, I called the coach over to check my form. Nope, form was on point (this I already knew but it never hurts to have someone check out how you’re moving through an exercise that’s bringing you discomfort). We decided to move forward with the exercise but keeping the kettlebell at eye-level. This brought me some mild relief from the pain but it seems that I am experiencing some sort of spasm in my traps (now I am a doctor, well WebMD makes me feel like I am). Ever since Saturday, my traps have been supremely tender and essentially screaming at me even when not engaged and I am resting, walking, or breathing. I have been using my Yoga Tune Up balls to help release some of the tension but they’re still pretty raw. Fingers crossed tomorrow’s WOD isn’t too heavy on the upper back.

I went for a run today.

I guess you could say I like running. I run races. And from time-to-time run outside but that’s really it. I am not a great runner but I wouldn’t say I am a bad runner either. It’s just one of those things that I do because I have to and it’s fitness related but I don’t really care either way if I considered ‘good’. I will leave the running to the runners and I will stick to what I am good at: yoga, cycling, and lifting heavy things. With that, it was hot outside so I wore shorts. I normally prefer to workout in pants but figured why not?

Two steps into my run: my shorts are riding up.

My thunder thighs are slamming together for the world to see as I try to find a comfortable pace and not trip over myself as I fight a losing battle to pull my shorts down.

My music wasn’t doing it either. I mean, c’mon. I JUST uploaded all of my new favorite songs.

I glance down at my tracker and note that it has only been half a mile. REALLY?!

Now, I’m hungry too. Shit. I knew I shouldn’t have slept and gone to Crossfit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

1 mile in and I decide to head back home.

2 miles later I am home, run the stairs in my complex 10x, do some squats, and call it a day.

Not everyday is going to be a life-changing day in the gym, on the mat, in the box, on the pavement, or wherever you get your workout on–it just can’t be. For me, today was that day. And you know what? I am just fine with that. I am not going to berate myself for surrendering to whatever distractions I had going on today because tomorrow is a new day and I get to start over. And tomorrow starts with Crossfit at 10am no matter what. PLUS, at 8 days in I start tomorrow with 2 inches less on my waist, and down 1 inch across my bust AND diaphragm. So was today a success? I think it’s safe to resoundingly state: YES, YES!

Clarity amidst the Chaos

Day 5: Friday, June 13, 2014:

Friday the 13th.

Full Moon.

Mercury in Retrograde.

I am on a cleanse. 

Basically, we are screwed and it’s the end of the universe. Yeah, yeah. You feel off and you are afraid to admit it, but now you can fully surrender to it knowing it isn’t just you. It is OK to feel a little off right now. BUT what is SO exciting about all this is the new moon signifies a fresh start and opportunity to set intentions free so that they may gestate and manifest. FREE YOURSELF and find yourself!

I am feeling so alive and full of clarity that I am rejuvenated. This cleanse is certainly starting to really kick in. Oddly enough, the morning after the cleanse was a little rocky. I was awake at 5:15am to teach a 6:15am cycle class and struggled to sleep the night before. It was really unusual to lay in bed at 11pm and feel energy surging through my body! I haven’t felt this alive in years. Despite my lack of sleep, I felt strong and powerful during my wee morning hour class and came home to read up on the effects of the cleanse days.

My research turned up some information affirming that others also cited feeling so invigorated that they too couldn’t sleep. Phew! It’s always good to have validation to your crazy (totally kidding here). Additionally, despite the cleanse day I wasn’t starving when I awoke. I expected to run for my shake in the morning foaming at the mouth, but nope. I felt calm, rested, and ready to ride! As a matter of fact, preparing to do damage control, I brought a bunch of snacks to the gym and didn’t eat one of them–even after my class. I was satisfied, sweaty, and happy.

I opted to skip Crossfit after my ride to let my body recover as I still had two more classes to teach, one of which would be pretty taxing as it’s a cardio vinyasa yoga class.

Dinner was a fabulous mish-mosh of mess as I like to create for myself: brown rice, eggs, tomatoes, spinach, avocado, and chicken with some olive oil. Greg ate the same thing minus the rice with 2 corn tortillas instead. Eating whole foods again with the shakes is filling my belly and it kind of feels like it’s sharpening my mind. Does that make sense? All of these super foods are awakening my physical and mental self in ways unimaginable. I can’t wait to see how I feel in 30 days!

Trust the Process

Day Four: Thursday, June 12, 2014: Cleanse Day, that is all I have to say

Remember that movie, Kids? That terribly gross and graphic look at young teens having unprotected sex passing along the AIDS virus? Yes, that one. Well, there is a scene where a man on a skateboard is toting himself around panhandling singing “I have no legs, I have no legs.” Yesterday morning I woke and I literally could only feel my torso. By no means do I mean to mock this poor soul in the film (which I am assuming is a real person) but I am merely trying to draw a comparison. I could barely roll over, let alone lift an arm. I panicked, and exclaimed to my boyfriend, “How am I going to be able to teach yoga today?!?!” I didn’t have a choice, that’s how. Boom.

Sure enough, I was able to teach. As with any muscle soreness once the body gets warm and the blood flowing, the muscles become limber and lubricated and alas, we have movement! However, I will admit my triceps were substantially fatigued, but I felt good enough to take a Pilates class late in the evening.

Today was a cleanse day. That meant no food, zero. As in nothing I could chew–green juices/drinks included. I sipped my prescribed beverages for the day and took my supplements. After class one I was ravenous enough to eat a small child. I checked in with a friend to keep me accountable, stuck to the plan, and pushed on! Sometimes, you just need to let go and embrace the process.

Like so many of us, much of my work with food and fitness is mental. So in recognizing this, I vowed to myself that I would trust the process fully. I must let go and fully relinquish myself to my program, keep an open mind, and house lightness in my heart. For me, that is what it will take to achieve success this time.

What was odd was I didn’t feel tired. I laid down to nap and couldn’t. Hmmmm. I could ALWAYS nap. So I cleaned my house, well sorta.

I taught class two, then took a Pilates class. Came home, downloaded music and made a playlist for my cycling class and it was 10pm and still wasn’t tired. Not only wasn’t I tired but I wasn’t hungry either. Where on Earth did this energy come from?! All I know is I felt alive and invigorated. And folks, I liked it.

Cleanse Day 1 closed and I patted myself on my back for making it. But let’s be real, I knew I could and I knew I would do it because I refuse to let myself fail–not this time.

Commit to Yourself

Day 3: Wednesday, June 11, 2014:

I woke up today and my right arm was numb. I figured it was numb because I had been sleeping on it. So while trying to settle back into sleep, I stretched my arm into full extension and my arm just wasn’t having it. In a sleep fog, I attributed this pain in my arm to it ‘still being asleep’ and I crashed out again.

I woke up shortly thereafter and my arm still hurt. Except this time I realized why it hurt. I am not in pain, I am sore from Crossfit! Ahhhh, it hurts so good.

Slowly, I made my morning drink and shake while moving like the Tin Man before oiling. I glanced at my schedule to see what classes I was teaching or shall I say NOT teaching for the day. Ah, it felt good to not have to teach a million classes. It felt good that I was starting to make sure I had time for me.

Yesterday, I touched upon commitment and wanted to explore it further tonight.

Commitment is honoring oneself. Commitment is saying “NO” to carve out space for YOU. Commitment is doing you so that you can better serve yourself and those around you.

My recent commitments include myself. Yes, that’s right: ME, MYSELF, and I. This commitment to myself includes two things:
1. My 30-Day Super Foods Nutritional Cleanse
2. Daily workouts for ME: Crossfit, yoga, running, etc.

That’s it. So in order for me to make space for me that means attacking my nutrition with intense ferocity and making no excuses. So far, I am doing great and feeling successful with my program. I can feel my body adjusting as my hunger sets in later and I relish how I eat, when I eat, and what I eat.

With respects to my workouts, admittedly I was discouraged yesterday by my progress (or lack thereof) but today I went back for more and performed surprisingly well. There is no quit in me, there can’t be. Bottom line:

“You can have results or excuses, but you cannot have both.”

In order to be the person I want to be inside and out that means I MUST nourish my soul. As a fitness instructor, the best parts of my job are motivating, coaching, inspiring, elevating, and helping others find greatness. But after a while of giving, giving, giving, and giving, I need my cup to be filled, and for me, that replenishment comes from things that fuel my heart and soul: Ass-kicking workouts.

Right now my commitment to myself looks like this: Turning down [some] opportunities to sub classes and maintaining a laser-like focus on my nutrition. What I have also done to ensure I set myself up for success is I have written into my planner when I would like to take fitness classes and/or workout. I think of it as scheduling a daily date with myself. The times on my planner represent sacred time that I simply do not take on classes and that is that–I have committed to myself.

How will you commit to yourself?

It’s Not About What You Can’t Do, It’s About What You Can Do

Day 2: Tuesday, June 10, 2014: Lots of Sweat and Still Hungry

I tossed and turned last night. I think partially it may have had something to do with my nerves of starting up at Crossfit again, but aside from that I felt pretty good this morning.

I choose to blend my shake with ice to make it more substantial and feel like more of a meal. It turned out to be a delicious success! I opted to keep it to plan with ice and water whereas my boyfriend Greg added some berries to his.

I am sitting here writing part of this post when I should be getting ready for Crossfit. God help me.

Let me state the obvious here, Crossfit is hard. It’s probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I went today praying my strong cardiovascular platform as a cycling instructor would carry me: NOPE. It was still as hard as I remember it being.

At the end of the WOD (workout of the day) as I tallied up my numbers for reps and the coach wrote them on the white board, there it was: How I measured up to everyone else, emblazoned for all of the Studio City Crossfit to see. I am not going to lie. I felt like crap. I’m a fitness instructor. Why am I towards the bottom of this list (no, not last, thank you very much)?! Shouldn’t I be higher?! Wait, come to think of it–I know some people cheated! Finally, this dialogue in my head was interrupted by something I recently said in my yoga class:

It’s not about what you can’t do, it’s about what you can do.

Not only did I show up, but I did the best I could after taking months off from Crossfit. My boyfriend killed it and took second in the WOD but he’s just not human and I am not him. Yes, Crossfit is hard. It’s supposed to be. Like anything else in life, the hard is what makes it great. Every day I show up for myself is one day closer to a stronger, better, more fit me.

So am I where I want to be? No.

But if I sat at home thinking about what I couldn’t do verses actually doing it, then I wouldn’t be making any progress–would I?

I became hungrier later today than yesterday, I am thinking that’s a good thing showing that my body is adjusting to the new nutrition program. I housed veggies and humus, some raw almonds and walnuts, drank lots of water, laid in the sun, and then took a yoga flow class. Pre and post class: I WAS STARVING. But then again, I also had 2+ hours of intense physical activity today which certainly contributed to my hunger.

Being mindful of a potentially epic meltdown from not eating, I hustled home after class and immediately made dinner: Chicken, brown rice, black beans, avocado, tomatoes, baby kale with a little olive oil, salt, pepper, and garlic. It was decent and filling. Though I will admit that some froyo would really hit the spot right now, I grabbed a glass of water and sat down to finish writing this. I am making moves and I am committed because it’s not about what I can’t do, it’s about what I can do.

Tomorrow we discuss commitment, oh lala.