Lessons

This is Me

This is Me

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I’ve worked in fitness for years. And for many of those years, I coveted the success of others with thousands and thousands of Instagram followers and envious of those given the opportunity to shoot for fitness brands I emulate. Often, I angrily scrolled through my feed not double tapping in protest of my own jealousy wishing and wanting so desperately to be someone—anyone else other than myself with a body that could wear clothes in a way that companies would want me to shoot for them. It was a horrible cycle and I was so entrenched in it.

As the years of envy and self-loathing plagued me, I continued to wonder in vain, why not me?

Why couldn’t I be picked for this or that, or why couldn’t I be her? Why, why, why?!?

It wasn’t until I finally realized that I didn’t really actually want to be a model per say. Sure, it’s super cool and great to be heralded for your body and beauty, but when I think about the legacy I want to leave behind in this world; it certainly isn’t with respects to what I looked like, wore, or even my purple hair.

I want to inspire people through my words, my wit, my power, my physical, emotional, and mental strength. I want to help empower people to take back their lives. Free themselves and really live. But most of all, the ripples I want to leave echoing for eternity are ones that celebrate who we are in our infinite power—whether that be physical, professional, or personal. So I didn’t want to be a model; I simply wanted a platform to be heard. I wanted the world to see me, to hear me, and let me change their perspectives by the life I lead.

So in an effort to try to clean up my life, I stopped doing things that were motivated by external validation. I stopped wanting ‘it’ [I mean what is ‘it’ even anyway?] so bad and turned my back on the Instagram yogi. I decluttered my Instagram feed of people that didn’t inspire me and frankly, made me feel bad about myself. And then something remarkable happened—I felt better! I really did. I opened a door to my soul and asked myself what I really wanted to do and wondered how I was going to do it. And then, just like that, on some idle morning I woke up, rolled over and stated to my still sleeping husband, “I’m going to be a body builder.”

I spent 11 weeks preparing for my first show with countless hours in a gym, food shopping, meal prepping, and talking about what I was going to eat, when I was going to eat, and my workouts. Every step of the way, I posted my progress for the world to see. And by progress, I mean the gritty sweaty selfies on the stair machine after leg day and the realities of breaking down into tears when I dropped my food all over the floor. I shared it all and held nothing back. What I received in return from the world of social media was applause for my honesty and what I had been looking for all along; that platform to inspire others to try new things, love their bodies, and live life on their own accord.

So in the midst of this process, when dear friend and famed photographer Jen Rosenstein offered to shoot me before my show to document my journey—I jumped at the opportunity. But what happened next, we could only imagine in our wildest dreams.

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Arielle: The Body Builder Photographed by Jen Rosentein

A few weeks after our photo shoot, Jen was approached by the girlgazeproject to have one of the images we shot curated in their exhibit: #girlgaze, a frame of mind at The Annenberg Space for Photography. We couldn’t believe it. THIS WAS IT. THIS WAS THE PLATFORM WE WERE BOTH SEEKING. This was our chance to show the world that women need to be proud of their bodies, accomplishments, and mustn’t allow their voices to be silenced by others and self-doubt. Holy shit, we did it—people will now hear and see me, see us, and be inspired on a visceral level. This. Was. It.

On the eve of October 21st, 2016, I walked into a museum to see a portrait of myself [in my underwear and bra] hanging on a wall.

I cry as I type this and I have to keep stopping to wipe my eyes.

To see myself immortalized in such a way—the way I always wanted to make waves in this world was so surreal, or shall I say real? I spent the evening with Jen, her friends, meeting others girls in the exhibit, and of course with my husband—for without him, none of what I do could ever be possible. I felt loved, celebrated, honored, and humbled all at the same time knowing that in this moment in time I am truly part of a movement and change in taking back the word girl.

To quote one of the placards at the exhibit:

“We are pushing back against the cultural projections and traditional gender roles imposed upon girls from the outside world, media and culture. Instead, we aim to represent the intelligence, creativity, complexity, and diversity of girls’ experience—across nationality, ethnicity, race, religion, sexual orientation and economic background—by taking back the camera into our own hands. It is up to us—those who identify with being a girl—to show our perspectives, tell our stories, and determine our own identity, sexuality and beauty.”

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Arielle: The Body Builder is a piece of raw emotion. It is me, you, your best friend, and the girl at the gym who just joined and is terrified of not knowing how to use the equipment. It is every single girl who dared to take a chance on a dream without worrying about the outcome. It is a timeless story of a girl who said, “Screw what you think, what you want me to be and do. I am me and that’s all I know how to be.”

It is my hope that through this photo you can take something away from it. For me, I look at it and I don’t see the girl who spent years as the ‘fat funny friend’, the slowest one on her college lacrosse them, the anorexic, or the girl who’d be prettier if she just smiled a little more. I see a survivor.

I see a girl who took back her identity, rediscovered her self-confidence, and is truly proud of the scars she wears on her heart and sleeve.

Thank you Jen for giving us a chance to bring others into our worlds, and for giving me a platform to be seen and heard.

Thank you Greg for your undying support of my ceaseless need to constantly push the envelope.

And thank you to my friends, family, as well as those I have yet to know and meet [via the interwebs] who always cheer me on and offer support.

I hope you will continue to be part of my journey. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook and make sure to check out #girlgaze, a frame of mind at The Annenberg Space for Photography. Admission is free and the exhibit runs through late February.

Remember, who run da world.

GIRLS.

The Portrait of a Body Builder, Part I: Learning How to Love Myself [Again]

The Portrait of a Body Builder, Part I: Learning How to Love Myself [Again]

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It wasn’t until very recently that I realized much of what I do and how I spend my time in my adult life is a reflection of my desire to ‘prove something’. I am not really sure what exactly it is that I feel like I need to prove or why I feel that way, but there’s this insatiable void deep within my heart that feels like I am never good enough, strong enough, pretty enough, or just enough. So when I set out a few months ago to reclaim my body, I thought body building would be a great way to leave my mark on this world exclaiming, I have arrived! While my hope in body building was to initially acquire a slamming body, what I learned through my dieting and training was more than I could have imagined. Some of the most transformative lessons of my adult life happened in the wee dawn hours before the sun slipped above the horizon to wake the world. Body building gave me a purpose that I desperately longed. Perhaps most importantly though, it gave me the self-confidence to find myself again and the permission to finally and truly love myself.

Throughout my fitness career, I have been blessed with abundant opportunities to teach for incredible companies and studios while maintaining my fulltime position as an LAUSD English teacher. And for years, while my schedule swelled with group fitness classes, I constantly defaulted to simply teaching my classes and then heading home after a long day. Depleted mentally, emotionally, and physically drained from my work as a teacher in so many capacities; I told myself that I couldn’t possibly build myself up to work out. I just didn’t have it in me. I was completely empty. What I also told myself was that there wasn’t enough time for my own workouts—I mean, after all, I work full time,  teach multiple group fitness classes and formats a week; when was I going to workout? Certainly I wasn’t going to workout in the morning because, well [enter yet another excuse and insert eye roll here]; I’m not a morning person.

Sound familiar? Sound like you and every single other person we all know? Plagued by excuse after excuse, I dimmed my own light. Like so many others, I stood in my own way preventing my light from shining bright. In spite of this, I have concluded and now believe we intentionally thwart our own success. Yes, we actually willingly do this to ourselves. Honestly, I think it’s because we are just afraid of our power. I really do. I think we are afraid that if we unleash our true potential on the world that we’ll have something to uphold and live up to. So rather than aiming high and striving for excellence to constantly improve ourselves; we hold back and restrict, constrict, and suppress our greatness in favor of mediocrity because it’s just easier that way. More safe, more secure, more ordinary rather extraordinary. But for me, committing to a body building competition was my way of telling myself enough of this bullshit—you are better than that. It is your time.

Like most things I do in my life I don’t have any breaks. I just jump in fully and commit absolutely, full speed ahead. I took to my 6-day a week training regimen instantly and never skipped a day or workout. This sometimes meant after a day filled with traveling, hungry, and jet-lagged; I still made it to the gym. Other times it sometimes meant finally getting to the gym as late as 10, 11, or even midnight! I even attended my own birthday party and drank water. I sat through countless family gatherings with chicken cutlets, homemade pizza, and BBQ’s munching on chicken breast and broccoli. I totted a cooler around NYC, onto airplanes, and to friends houses. I made no excuses because this time I was going to do this right; I wasn’t going to give up or quit on myself.

Photo credit: Jen Rosenstein Photography

Photo credit: Jen Rosenstein Photography

The more I trained, the less it became about the outcome. Sure, placing in my first show would be really great but I had to detach from that. The work I was doing wasn’t to achieve any sort of external validation, it was only for me. A means to use my body as a vessel to tell a story for the world. To inspire others to find their path and to walk it. To prove to myself that I was so damn worthy of greatness. And perhaps on a level to tell that little chubby girl inside me—the one who haunts me every time I look in the mirror that you are beautiful, smart, talented, and so much more than the number inside your jeans. This journey was about me taking control of my life [for real], taking ownership, and finally proving to no one other than myself that I am effing fantastic. This was my battle cry shouting to the world that I indeed have nothing to prove.

As my training progressed, my yoga practice waned as lifting and cardio started to fill my time. While I may not have been able to practice as much as I typically do or would have liked, my yoga never disappeared. For yoga is so much more than asana (poses). Yoga is something celestial that lives within your heart and the fibers of your being. It’s not really something that you can quantify as it’s an awareness of your body, mind, and spirit—it’s simply just a part of you. My ritualistic yoga practice of staking out my spot in a yoga room, unrolling my mat, and moving my body to my breath was replaced by meditatively portioning out my supplements, packing my gym bag, and pushing, pressing, and pulling weights to my inhales and exhales. So you see, I never abandoned my yoga practice, it transformed.

With my yoga practice nestled closely to my heart, I started to experience something I never could see nor find in a yoga room. Well, actually let me refine that. What I initially found when I discovered yoga was I felt beautiful while practicing. It didn’t matter how big or small I was (as my weight tends to fluctuate pretty drastically). I was boundless on a yoga mat and no one could strip that from me…Until I became a yoga teacher. The competitive nature of the yoga industry, the body shaming, the handstands, fancy arm balances, and the age of the Instagram Yogi made me nauseous. The things I loved and felt while practicing seemed to be replaced with the need to nail an inversion somewhere cool to post on the Interwebs with the hopes of gaining more followers. I found myself swept up not even in the hub-bub of it all but feeling inadequate and frankly, empty on the inside. But body building gave me back something I was seeking and lacking: self-love, acceptance, and it made me feel invincible. Nothing could touch me when I was lifting. No one could hurt me when I was lifting. And no one, and I mean no one made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of something when I was lifting. It was just me, a barbell, and some plates. No bullshit about it. No staging of my photo. No stressing on the perfect alignment. Just grit and determination.

Photo credit: Jen Rosenstein Photography

Photo credit: Jen Rosenstein Photography

So if you’re wondering what I learned from training for my body building competition, I learned that I don’t have anything to prove to anyone or myself. And most importantly, I don’t need to proclaim to anyone that I’ve arrived because well, I have purple hair and you can’t miss me. No seriously though, what I’ve taken away from this all is regardless of my placement in the show; I had already won.

Stay tuned for my second installment of The Portrait of a Body Builder, Part II: Finding Your People. Remember if you don’t already subscribe to my blog to do so by clicking here so you don’t miss a post!

You Can Always Go Home

You Can Always Go Home

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the crucibleAs the end of the school year is within my grasp, I wanted to take the time to share something with the world. My recent years in education have been trying—to say the least. I have bounced around from school to school and like Goldilocks, none of them were just right. While it may seem to come as a shock (or maybe not to some), I have decided to leave Fairfax High School in West Hollywood. It was not an easy decision, but in the end; my heart was pulled elsewhere and I needed to listen to it. That said, my short tenure at Fairfax has certainly been challenging but also very rewarding.

I wanted to highlight some joys of my work this year and give a shout out to my honors kids: BEAR. You won’t get it, and don’t have to, but they will 🙂

  • This year I have seen a timid autistic child blossom into a social butterfly, making friends, laughing with others, and giving wonderful presentations in front of the whole class with grace and confidence! Not only that, this beautiful child has blessed me by letting me into her world and writing stories [and I am in them as a super-hero type–must be the hair] that she shares with me daily. Also, her mother and I have formed a wonderful bond through her daughter and we have become friends. My work as her daughter’s teacher has transcended the classroom. I am more to this young lady and her mother than just her English teacher.  I am someone who saw her light, let it shine, and created a life long bond. To me, there is nothing more powerful than building a lasting relationship and really seeing someone.

 

  • In one of my classes two students wrote me letters about their personal lives thanking me for saving them from taking their own lives. Sadly, yes you absolutely read that correctly. These young girls detailed how without me, without the help I got them, without the journaling we did in my class—they may not be here with us today. Oh, how my heart hurts to imagine these angels not in this world to share their gifts with us. I am humbled to be the person that guided them to see their self-worth and I admire their courage in combatting depression. You both know who you are and I want you to know that you are both SO BRAVE and to never stop fighting for yourself because you are worthy. You are worthy. You are worthy. You are so darn worthy.

 

  • Finally, my biggest take away from this year is watching so many of my students share with me that I taught them how to love themselves, be compassionate to others, to OWN THEIR AWESOME, and never accept the status quo. In reading the end of year reflections from my students, though some may have failed because they didn’t do their work—they got it. Do good and be good, and the universe will collaborate in your favor. Thank you my dear students at Fairfax High School. I have loved every minute (well most minutes) with you and will forever recall our many laughs, riveting discussions, and the tears we shared while bonding. I promise to take all that I have learned from you as I re-transition back to middle school and assume a 7th grade position at Virgil Middle School—where it all started 12 years ago. That’s right, I am returning home.

bunny earsIt is with a giddy heart that I share my excitement to return to middle school and back where I began my teaching career. Virgil was where I learned to be great. My former principal Ada Snethen saw something in me; and the only reason I am the educator I am today is because of her. Thank you, Ada. It is with that, that I leave you a letter I wrote to my students as I bid them farewell and we now start our journeys without one another…

 

Dearest Students,

Saying goodbye is never easy but alas, a part of life.

Life is nothing but a series of transitions. You have transitioned from elementary to middle then to high school. Soon enough you will transition from high school to college, and then into the work place. The goal is not to avoid or fight these transitions, but to meet these challenging times of monumental change with zest, joy, and an open mind. While transitioning through life is never easy; the idea is that each and every time you navigate something new you take the lessons of those before you from friends, family, teachers, and most of all yourself. It is my hope that through our time together you have learned that life is never easy, but a magnificent gift meant to be lived to the fullest while living your truth as you pursue your passions. And on that note, I wanted to leave you with some nuggets of greatness and truth bombs for you to look back on when you need a little extra motivation.

First of all, no matter what society or others will try to tell you, there is nothing wrong with you. Get that through your head. You are completely normal and perfect in the skin you occupy and the body that warehouses your power. It is OK to be sad, confused, and lost. If you weren’t I would be worried. No one your age—heck, even at my age should ever have a set sense of who they are or where they are going etched into stone.

That is what is so beautiful about life—growing, learning, and figuring it all out.

Discovering what you like, don’t like, need, don’t need, what or whom is healthy for you and what or whom is not. Every experience is designed to shape who you are…who you will be. Sure, it’s tough, but it is supposed to be. If it were easy and you didn’t struggle, you would never learn anything, nor see the value in life’s experiences. Don’t let old mistakes or misfortunes hold you down. You are not a victim of your life or circumstance unless you choose to be. Learn from mistakes, forgive yourself, and above all, forgive those that have hurt you.

Strife and conflict help you emerge from something stronger than you were before. The key is to never be discouraged by adversity but to meet it as a challenge and rise above it. Remember that the pain and sacrifice you experience while working for something is temporary. But the pride and lessons you take away from something will last forever. Be empowered by the courage it takes you to overcome obstacles; never forget that with most things in life, things always get harder before they get easier.

It is always darkest before dawn, but there is always light. Never forget that. Good will always prevail because Good never, ever gives up.

You are on a path of self-discovery. “Life is a journey, not a destination.” Relish and enjoy every little bit of your journey. There is no race to “be good at life”. Trust me, because in the end, the only race you are running in this life is with yourself. You have no one to beat or catch up to. Do you. Be you. And most of all: Look in the mirror and love YOU.

Find the simple beauty in a cool, crisp breeze. Revel in the stillness of the morning as the sun is rising, slowly awakening the city for a day filled with promise and hope. Admire a flower in bloom and stop to savor its scent. Pause to start living. No, I mean really live. Put down your cell phone and look up—you will amaze yourself at the wonders that surround you when you pause from the 4-inch screen between your thumbs and just look up once and a while. Stop watching and vow to never be a bystander to your own life. Start listening to your heart and let it guide you. Your heart is the epicenter of your very being and it will never lead you astray. Don’t over-think the simple things in life—sometimes, simplicity is a good thing. Take it for what it is and delight in the fact that some things can still be understood and resolved with a smile.

Be cautious to whom you trust with your heart, and be careful how you treat those with whom you share yours. Do not allow any one person or whomever you fall for to dictate your emotions. The right person will love you for you and never make you feel bad for being who you are. The right person will celebrate you and all of your successes along the way. Conversely, that very same person will embrace you for your faults too—not use them as a weapon to tear you down. As you grow, the right person and people will treat your heart with care, elevating you to heightened levels of greatness.

Never settle for someone who treats you like an option when you are indeed a priority. For if you want anyone in this world to see your true worth, you yourself must see your own value first.

Stand tall with your head high. Be confident in the person you are becoming every day and only take on things that make you happy. Life is too short to waste your time invested in people or things that bring you sadness or hold you back. If something no longer serves you, let it go. You do not need anyone’s permission or approval to attack your dreams. Own Your Awesome.

Do not harbor or hold onto anger, it will only bring you down and prevent you from being able to move forward. This adventure called life is filled with joy but sometimes you need to look beyond the thickness of trial and tribulation to see the light trickling through.

Take a genuine interest in others. Learn and grow from those who have walked the path you are on.

Give back to your community by lifting those up who need it most. Be the change and stop waiting for others to take action. Use your voice and refuse to be silenced. Stand firm in the face of injustice and never back down.

Make connections and build bridges. Leave a legacy behind of indelible grace, honor, and magnitude upon each and every heart you come in contact with. Inspire others by living your truth and forging a new path.

I know I said it earlier, but I will say it again. There is always light. Never forget that. Good will always prevail because Good never, ever gives up and you are Good.

Forever Your English Teacher,

Mrs. Miller

 

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