Stop Fighting Yourself To Find Yourself
Recently, I have been experimenting with my voice on this blog. Since I have been ghost writing and recently landed a gig as a Premier Expert contributor for Lionsgate Entertainment’s BeFit.com; I have made a concerted effort to mimic the voice I employ for the masses and will be using on BeFit. While my personal experience has always led me to believe that people resonated with my personal story, transferring one’s voice globally is a whole other story. While still personal, it’s from somewhat of a distance. So I get why my audience has been a bit confused. My experimentation has led me to learn that while writing and contributing to the masses is great; my audience prefers the honest and real glimpse into my life. Well here it is, your voices have been heard and I think it’s time to share with you all what I have been currently working on.
For years I thought that because I was a fitness instructor that translated to not only did I have to love to run, it meant I had to compete—run races, train, and push myself even when my knee was shot. So, I ran races. Many, many races. I met amazing people and loved every minute of the community, but it didn’t really even resonate with me until a friend said to me, “why are you running this ½ marathon if you don’t even life running?” And it hit me. Why was I forcing myself to do something I didn’t even really like for the sake of doing it? Sure, I love Ragnar Relay and Greg and I will run Napa again in the fall of 2016, but does running light my heart on fire? Hell to the no. Am I decent at it? Is it an integral part of my workout? YES. But am I a runner? NO a million times over.
After coming to this conclusion and successfully NOT running and wasting $100 on a ½ marathon I did not run, I kind of wandered the fitness world for my niche again. I went back to OrangeTheory Fitness but that wasn’t doing it. I outgrew it in the respects that my fitness goals started to change. Doing a cardio-based class while it’s fun, wasn’t rendering my body results anymore. My body needed, craved something else. So, I then I found myself practicing Ashtanga Yoga.
Ahhhhhh, where do I being this love story? The breath, the athleticism, the no-excuse, no-dogma approach to yoga sparked an instant love affair. For me, what I loved about Ashtanga was that NONE of it was easy. Every single day presented a new challenge from memorizing the sequence, to sticking my headstand, to twisting my body into new and exciting shapes. Traditionally an early morning and 6-day a week practice lasting about 2 hours, the only evening classes I could make at my yoga studio were getting me home too late. With my writing picking up and working on building a business, I needed to be home earlier thus pausing my Ashtanga practice. However, with all things, as something exits from your life; it clears the way for something new to trickle in.
Still relatively lost and listless when it came to my personal fitness I fondly reminisced my days at Crossfit before my 4th knee surgery. The raw power, no frills, heavy weight, and of course the community. And it finally clicked. Aside from yoga and now my amazing husband, the only constant in my physical life has been the gym—just me and a barbell.
Inspired by some incredible fitness people in my life, I realized the time is now. For years I have been fighting myself. Desperately trying to be someone that the industry would want to feature on an Instragram post, I tried to be something I wasn’t or something I can’t be. My yoga practice at times reduced to learning and sticking complicated asana to capture in a snap to share with the world. Gawking at svelte bodies and protruding rib cages, I coveted this kind of body until this recent shift—why fight my power and my God-given gifts?
I can still recall my very first day at Crossfit. I walked in for my elements class (foundation level class to learn the movements) and the coach gave me a once over then said, “Oh, girl, you are going to be good at this.”
And he was right. I am built for lifting. My short, dense muscles (and dare I say it, glutes) are perfect for pulling, pressing, pushing, squatting, jumping, and so much more. Which is why I have committed to myself in my most recent endeavor to compete in a physique competition. Yes, you read that correctly. I want to stand on a stage and have people pick apart my body all while being virtually naked. Why, you ask? Because I can. Besides, ain’t nobody gonna dull this shine. I work out for no one other than myself, period. It has only been a month and most days I am in the gym almost 2x a day and I am practicing more yoga than in recent years. While my lifting does impair my mobility with respects to yoga, I have accepted that “right now it’s like this”. I am working for something I have never had and that means doing things I have never done. For years, I always said I wasn’t a morning person. I refused to wake up before work and workout or take classes. I simply just couldn’t do it. So I resolved to make some changes in my life and stop making excuses.
Twice a week I wake up at 5:25am to take a 6:15am cycling class, then lift in the afternoons to allow time for me to write at night. Other days I lift after teaching my classes and/or practice yoga. It seems insane considering I have a fulltime job, and still teach fitness classes. But to me this isn’t extreme, it’s a means to an end. I have goals and dreams and no piece of cake is going to satisfy my dreams of being better than I was the day before.
The reality is this, since I have stopped fighting myself, I have loved my workouts in a way I can’t recall having felt in a long time. Every drop of sweat and every bit of soreness is progress. I can only move forward from here and this is one exciting trip on this journey so far. No one can do this for me. And I expect nothing other than giving each workout my best effort because you never get something for nothing. Keep working and keep fighting—no matter how audacious your dreams are; especially despite what people say. Trust me, I am told I am crazy on a daily basis. For me, when people say I am crazy I take it as a compliment, it means I am dreaming so huge it makes people uncomfortable. Never stop challenging yourself, for when you are challenged is when you find your most authentic self.