Emotions

I’m trying really hard to make sense of things. I’m stuck feeling really bad for myself and angry, so so so very angry. As I sat in my orthopedic surgeon’s office yet again yesterday, I listened numbly to the reality that is my body.

I watched and listened as he pointed to and discussed the irreparable damage in my right knee in utter disbelief. Not that it was that I didn’t comprehend him, I simply couldn’t. All I could think was “Why me?”

“Why is this happening to me?”

“I’m a good person.”

“After everything I have done?! All of the good work I have put into my teaching kids, in helping others, to build up my community and still I haven’t accumulated any Karma points?!?!”

The road down self-pity is a steep and rapid decline. It’s amazing at how fast you can gain speed and then spiral out of control.

As the doctor continued to speak “Don’t do this…”

My husband interrupted with questions, “Can she swim? Cycle…”

And this goes on for a few minutes.

The doctor reiterates that squatting with weight could be the worst possible thing for me…

He proposes ‘body weight exercises’ and I roll my eyes then laugh.

Finally, he hands me a pamphlet about platelet therapy that I could look into should the pain continue. I reached my hand out limply taking it, feigning interest while I flipped through it.

We shake hands and the doctor bounds off.

Left with a heaviness I cannot even describe, I fought back tears and pushed Greg away when he tried to hug me.

“Why me?”

“Why me?”

“Why me?”

“Why me?”

“Why me?”

“Why me?”

“Why me?”

“Why me?”

“Why me?”

“Why me?”

“Why me?”

“Why me?”

WHY THE FUCK ME?!

I held it together until I got into my car and sobbed as I drove to the yoga studio crying to my best friend wondering again, why me?

Wondering why the universe had to take away the one and only thing it had bestowed upon me. See the thing is, I wasn’t gifted beauty, height, genetics to have wash board abs. Hell, I wasn’t even given a good smile! I have some messed up jaw issue that prevents me from closing my mouth entirely so my mouth is literally always open. My teeth only touch in the very back on my wisdom teeth [yes, I still have those] and when I chew I have to chew allllllll the way in the back of my mouth. And I can’t bite into food BECAUSE MY TEETH DON’T TOUCH. Not to mention I also have a lisp as a result of this freak formation of my face. I form words strangely with my mouth, and I am acutely aware of this when I speak and fixate, “Ohmygodohmygod, they are looking at my mouth, I’m a freak.”

I wasn’t given any academic gifts or aptitudes either; I am just a friggen normal person with a normal brain. Nothing is stand out about me—nothing. Nothing, but my love of movement and my incredible ability to commit to goals and myself. My only stand out quality was and I suppose shall continue to be, is my resolve. You see, I will never grace a fitness magazine, be featured on any of social media outlets for all those companies that I represent because I do not have what they are looking for—I have something you can’t put into a photo, or dress up, or put make up on and say “do this.” I have short meaty thighs that squat over 200lbs. (well, when they could), and probably bigger traps than your man (which I am totally ok with), and yet the world thinks I am ugly, short, fat, or whatever word you want to use to describe someone that ‘the industry’ doesn’t favor as an ideal body. Whatever. There’s nothing I can do about certain things. I am 5’0 and I stopped growing in the 7^th grade. Tough shit world, this is me in all of my short stack glory.

But for all that I do not possess, I have desire, wherewithal, and an unwavering sense of determination. When I want to pursue something; nothing stands in my way. So, to lose my gift of movement, to prematurely steal it away from me seems awfully unfair and I am feeling sorry for myself.

I am stewing in my anger and punishing myself by eating junk and telling myself I deserve this because I feel so defeated, so why not not gain a billion pounds and keep riding this road to Pityville? Why not just keep letting myself tumble into this abyss and focus on how this and that has been taken from me and how I cannot go on. Why the heck not?

I really wish I could offer something different than the truth, I do. And I refuse to offer some contrived uplifting nugget because that’s what you want to hear so you can feel better. You and I would both know it would be disingenuous anyway, so I find there is great power in standing in this very moment and being as real as possible. Isn’t that all one can ever really do—honor oneself?

Well, this is me right now. I am not soft, fluffy, and sunny. I am a real goddamn person who goes through things and sometimes those things are hard.

Right now I am in the midst of a dark storm. I am scared about competing at my power lifting meet on Sunday and devastated I won’t be able to be my best. I hate being anything less than who I know I am. Right now, I am angry and that’s something I need to acknowledge and not guilt myself away from feeling. So right now I feel angry. I am committing to honoring my emotions and giving myself today to truly feel my feelings. Then tomorrow, I pick myself up and begin again because that’s what I do. I do not succumb, will not, and cannot.

And so, I rise.