Seeking answers

Everything Mona said made sense. It was eerie how well this woman knew what was happening to me and explained the long process ahead to getting me healthy again. But alas, it could be done. For the first time in a year, I had answers, someone who wanted to and could help, and an action plan. A few days later, I started on my natural supplement plan and Phase I of my Healing Journey which was [is] a very strict Candida Cleanse among other things.

One week in, and my clothes started to fit better.

One week in, the puffiness and swelling in my body and face disappeared.

One week in, I lost 7 pounds and started to feel lighter again. Not just in the literal sense, but as in taking up space. It is an odd thing to say in describing yourself, but prior to these positive changes in my body I just felt so off—so, so, so very darn off.

Then, just about one week in, I decided to go completely plant-based (as it was, we had cut my meat consumption dramatically to only one meal per day, so this was an easy transition).

Two weeks in, and my energy levels increased sustainably and now I do not need to nap just to get through the day.

Two weeks in, and my mood has changed. My overall demeanor is upbeat, positive, and I am feeling less and less anxious each day.

Two weeks in, I have lost another 2 pounds; making my total weight loss 9 pounds so far and there is STILL so much more work to be done (and note at the time this post goes live, I have not weighed myself, but I have had to take all my work clothes to the tailor to be taken in the waist!).

At three weeks in which is today, it will have been 29 days that I have been living a renewed and better life than I have lived in the last year.

But it doesn’t stop there. This work is not just about diet and supplementation. It’s about putting in time to ‘Innercise’ too. Each night I write in a gratitude journal noting the day’s highs and lows. I wrote recently on Instagram how this process has shown me that while we think there is always so much bad in our lives, it simply isn’t true. Each day, my Highs FAR outweigh the lows. As a matter of fact, in reflection most days, I cannot even think of a low. I’ve realized through this process that we ruminate on the negative things in our lives because we choose not to see the good. That, and we simply lack the capacity to see the good because we do not know how to filter it out from the perceived ‘bad’ in our lives. This process is showing me how to consciously seek out the light in my life and celebrate daily victories.

But, you want to know where the biggest shift has happed?

Some days I don’t workout. Yes, that’s right. Some days, I just come home from work, meal prep, read, watch some TV, and don’t go to the gym. I’m learning everyday how to listen to my body and its needs. If I am run down emotionally, mentally, and physically—hitting heavy weights will only exasperate my problems and existing negative feelings. Forcing myself to workout is just that—forced and at times felt like a punishment. Fitness and movement should never feel like you are serving a prison sentence. That is why I have worked intentionally to reframe what I do and when. At present while on my ‘Healing Journey’, I have completely phased out all heavy weight lifting. No Crossfit, no powerlifting, no body building, and no weight lifting at all. I have re-integrated yoga, steady state cardio, and added boxing to my workout routine with the occasional HIIT class here and there. And you know what’s happening? CHANGES!

I am actually becoming more fit by doing less.

I will say that again—I am actually becoming more fit by doing less.

My cardiovascular platform improves with every session in the gym. I am boxing longer, feeling less gassed out during workouts, getting faster, AND leaner by working smarter as opposed to harder.

What’s the catch?

What’s the takeaway?

Well, I think it’s clear.

If you want to make great changes in your life, you have to be willing to change your current trajectory and path. It is impossible to expect any shifts in your life if you aren’t willing to bend.

Yeah, yeah, yeah and I thought and said all the things:

I am working out and doing so hard, I am getting rest, I am eating healthy, I am seeing all the right doctors and specialists—blah, blah, blah, blah.

But what real changes was I actually making?

That’s the question.

As I excitedly navigate my new normal, eating what I call ‘unbreakfast foods’ for breakfast like brussels sprouts, eggs, and cauliflower with chicken bone broth (I am aware this isn’t plant based, but due to the gut-healing effects of bone broth, I am keeping it in my diet); I have chosen to alter my life. I have started to take control of my reality by flipping the script on my diet, the types of workouts I am doing while healing, and assessing how I feel about doing them. If an upcoming workout is stressing me out or rendering negative emotions—I skip it and do something else, or nothing at all. I am living slower. Taking on less, saying ‘No’ more and putting my husband and myself first. I stop to meditate, write in a journal, and truly reflect on the blessings in my life. I would have never thought that in the midst of getting healthy again that I would feel so blessed and bountiful.

During this amazing shift in my life, it was time for me to see the fertility specialist. Remember in my last post I mentioned I had seen a gynecologist who referred me to a specialist to address my cycle? When I made the appointment waaaaayyyyy back in August, November seemed like a lifetime away then; but the time had arrived nonetheless. Greg accompanied me to the extensive 2-hour appointment and workup. After a thorough medical history regarding menstruation, it was decided more data was need to confirm what everyone has suspected for years; that I do not ovulate.

Translation for those of you who do not understand the implications of this: If I had wanted to get pregnant, I could not become pregnant. I appear to menstruate irregularly, but it’s break through bleeding. Ultimately, the lining of my uterus is thickening as a result of not ‘sluffing’ it out monthly which could potentially lead to cancer. Finally, not menstruating regularly is a clear marker of hormonal dysfunction—period, see what I did there?!

Some tests confirmed what the doctors already suspected; I am indeed not ovulating which means I am not producing progesterone. And while I was diagnosed 4 years ago with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), I do not actually have it. This recent discovery was a suspicion my doctors and I raised in July because I didn’t have the symptoms of PCOS aside from irregular menses and difficulty losing weight. Ahem, this could be basically ANYTHING?! That said, when I did the research 4 years ago and I was given the initial diagnosis, it seemed right enough. So, I took the Metformin I was prescribed and accepted that this was how things were. I am so glad we took a closer look at this because in July 2018, my doctors told me to stop taking the Metformin. I mean, it wasn’t like it was actually helping control my weight. I was on the maximum dosage while gaining weight rapidly, so there was no point to take the drug unnecessarily.

This whole reproductive health discussion may appear off topic, but it’s not. This is all part of the bigger picture–the whole picture, the complete picture. How can I truly expect to be healthy if one crucial system of my body is shut down, dormant, and not fully functional? Whether I want to have children or not isn’t the issue here and that I want to make clear. Getting my body what it needs to start working again on its own is the goal.

Greg and I asked the doctors if my reproductive challenges played a role in my weight gain and other issues that I have experienced in recent years. They can’t emphatically conclude that it’s the sole culprit, but not ovulating does have its implications and certainly could have played a role. At present, I have been prescribed a 10-day cycle of progesterone to try to induce my period. If that doesn’t work, we go from there*. But again, it comes back to this—I am taking the right steps and actions to get healthy. I am taking a proactive role in my health and doing that AND getting answers feels so darn good.

I mean it when I say that I feel like I have been given a brand new life. I know now that this all had to happen for a reason…

So I could share my tale and inspire others to regain their health. Don’t be afraid to keep asking questions and demanding answers. Don’t stop seeking the answers, even in what may appear like the most unlikely of sources. And most importantly, don’t ever give up. You only get once change to live this life in the one body you were given, so give it your all—you deserve to feel better in your body!

*Since this post was written, further tests concluded much to everyone’s surprise it appears that I am actually ovulating. I was advised not to take the progesterone and will return to the fertility specialist in 3 months to monitor my reproductive system. Again, still lots of question marks, but the doctors and I are working in tandem to get to the bottom of this. I feel more optimistic than ever that in the near future, we will have more answers.