Accountability

Part II: Preparing for your First Century Ride, Ensure Your Success

Arielle Miller / Accountability, At Home Workouts, Athlete, Bike Riding, Celebrate, Celebration, Century Ride, Challenges, Commitment, Cycling, Diet, Diet and Exercise, Female Athlete, Fitness, Fitness Life, Goal Setting, Goals, Gratitude, Hard Work, Lifestyle, Nutrition, Road Cycling, Roadie, Sports, Strength Training, Training, Uncategorized, Updates, Women in Sports / Century Ride, covid fitness, COVID-19, creating routine, Cycling, Cyclist, Female cyclist, following a schedule, health and fitness, home workouts, live love ride, love your ride, making a schedule, road biking, Strength Training, we can do hard things, weight loss journey, women in sports / 0 comments

January 2, 2021

I’ve been an athlete my entire life and I am self-realized enough to know the limitations and things I am capable of achieving. As I have pointed out, showing up for something and respectfully being able to walk into it and away from it proud of what I did is paramount to me. So, as my time riding got more serious and focused, my friend Lizzy and I joked about doing a century. At first we laughed about it. Then we started talking more about it, and finally committed to actually doing one. And since we are in the midst of a global pandemic, we’d be doing this unsanctioned, not for any recognition, but because we want to do this to reward ourselves for our hard work.

Putting in WORK, a 60 miler for funzies on the Central Coast

Let me further break down this hard work to which I am referring:

First, since purchasing my road bike in late June 2020, I have rode it nearly every day since then. Yes, talk about one rapid love affair. I rode anywhere I could, as often as I could. And knowing absolutely nothing about the sport, I just rode. I rode to get time in the saddle, to learn how to shift, reacclimate to clipping in/out, riding in traffic, and how to handle my bike. I fell so hard and so fast for riding on the road that when I went to New York during August to visit my sister and niece for three weeks, I even brought my bike with me—true story.

Having never rode a bike in NYC before (despite growing up in NY), I blindly leapt into the unknown riding all over NYC because I love being on my bike and seeing and experiencing the world from “life behind bars”. In hindsight, this time in NYC was crucial to my growth as a cyclist. It catapulted me into handling my bike in tight spaces, riding fast, and changing flats without someone to help me. Upon arriving back in LA just three weeks later, I was a whole new woman. My confidence soared and my bike friends remarked at how fast I had gotten. And by fast, it is relative. Fast for a novice, but growth and progress are just that—metrics in the right direction.

In NYC on my last day of riding before returning to LA

Eventually my joy of riding evolved and I started planning weekly long rides with my friend Lizzy (who also doubles as my strength and nutrition coach). We thirsted for harder climbs and craved long days putting miles down on the road in the saddle. Saturday’s became our day. I made sure to get all of my school work and papers written for graduate school before their due dates so that I could ride. I know, I know—who have I become?! Getting a bike and wanting to adventure on it has been a wonderful motivator for me to stay on top of my school work while working on my doctorate. Truly, while I am very industrious and productive; like many people, I struggle with procrastination. Certainly, I have made great strides in adulthood while working as a teacher and teacher leader, but sometimes I get caught up in other things, thus not managing my time appropriately. Creating a routine for myself has been an integral part of my success as both a professional and athlete.

To further illustrate, as discussed by Northwestern Medicine, 2021:

Tips for a Healthier Lifestyle

People are creatures of habit, and routines offer a way to promote health and wellness through structure and organization. Having a routine can greatly improve your health.

Many people who don’t have any type of routine suffer from:

Stress. No routine often means having the constant worry of “when will I get it all done.”
Poor sleep. Without a daily routine at work and/or home, you may find yourself playing catch-up with yesterday’s to-do list. If you’re always behind on what should have been done the day before, you’re likely also staying awake worrying about what didn’t.
Poor eating. Unhealthy diets (like eating lots of fast food) become the norm if there isn’t time scheduled for grocery shopping. Quick, unhealthy substitutes become the next best food option.
Poor physical condition. Working out usually requires some advance planning.
Ineffective use of time. Often, no routine means you simply run out of time, leaving things undone and not making the most of your time.

Once I nailed down and freed up my Saturday’s, I examined and really dialed into my daily and weekly schedule. It looked something like this with occasional changes due to work commitments and/or poor air quality in LA:

Monday and Tuesday	– Usually Peloton, ride outdoors if time and weather permitting – Add walking if and when possible for at least 1 hour	Strength training
Wednesday	– Usually Peloton, ride outdoors if time and weather permitting – Add walking if and when possible for at least 1 hour	Cardio only
Thursday and Friday	– Usually Peloton, ride outdoors if time and weather permitting – Add walking if and when possible for at least 1 hour	Strength training
Saturday	Long bike ride adventure	Cardio only
Sunday	Recovery ride or walk	Cardio only

This schedule emerged in order to ensure I was getting in my training as outlined by my coach to keep me working towards my goals: fat loss and to maintain my strength. Many people battle getting in their workouts and it’s not because they don’t want to workout, but because they lack the ability to create a routine and then follow it. For me, the schedule is my lifeline, serving as a non-negotiable. Sure, occasionally a strength day gets pushed a day—but I never miss a workout. I never make excuses to skip the work I know needs to be done and the work I know I will be glad I committed to. Like anything else worth pursuing in our lives, it requires planning, dedication, sacrifice, and follow through. Our fitness, health, and wellness should be at the very top of our commitments and priorities because if we do not take care of ourselves inside and out—how can we be of the best service to those in our professional and personal lives? Just something to think about.

During the entire 15-week period which was the duration of my first semester as a doctoral student, not only did I maintain my schedule; but it allowed my weight loss journey to continue. At present, I am down nearly 35 pounds! The structure provided by my meal plan, fitness programming, and routine allowed me to actively work towards my aesthetic and athletic goals while thriving in the workplace and school. As time passed and I became more fit, my desire to push and test my limits grew greater.

My Saturday bike rides became longer and more challenging. Once terrified of elevation and the hard work it demanded of me, I now yearned for it. This transformation led me to feeling like I was finally ready after 6 months of riding my bike and training regularly for my first century ride. In fact, every time I thought about it, my heart fluttered with nerves and delight.

Was I really ready for this? Could I do this? What if I failed?

I was ready. I mean, it’s like anything else that is terrifying that we pursue—is one ever truly ready? There is only one way to tell and that’s by hurling oneself wildly outside of one’s comfort zone to see. Yes, I could do this, I was doing it, and I am going to complete it. And if for whatever reason I cannot and do not achieve what I set out to accomplish; then it’s an opportunity for reflection and growth.

Hell yes. I am doing the damn thing to do it—not to set any records, not to be the best, not for any recognition but to show myself how far I have come and reward my hard work with a hard effort as testament to my personal journey of self-improvement.

I had the time in the saddle. My body was physically ready—or so it felt like it was ready. And the date and location was set—Lizzy and I would drive to Palm Springs on Saturday, December 19, 2020 and spend the night. On Sunday, December 20, 2020, we’d wake up bright and early then tackle the 100-mile planned route with our Camelbak’s filled with water and food, and ride through the desert entirely unsupported…

How would we do? Did we have enough food? Enough water? What if something happens to one of our bikes…? And oh God, where will we use the restroom????

Don’t forget to subscribe to my blog so you don’t miss the conclusion of this series, Part III: Preparing for your First Century Ride, We Can Do Hard Things

Part I: Preparing for your First Century Ride, Respect the Process

Arielle Miller / Accountability, Adventure, Athlete, Awareness, Bike Riding, Celebration, Century Ride, Challenges, Cycling, Female Athlete, Fitness, Fitness Life, Goal Setting, Goals, Lifestyle, Road Cycling, Roadie, Sports, Sports Training, Training, Women in Sports / Bike riding, Century Ride, Cycling, Cyclist, female athletes, Female cyclist, Girls who ride bikes, Hard work, road cycling, we can do hard things / 0 comments

December 30, 2020

On December 20, 2020, I rode my very first century ride—100 miles.

One hundred miles. WOW. Honestly, even days after accomplishing this feat, I still haven’t been able to wrap my head around the fact that I did something like that—ME.

I pedaled, on a bike for 7 hours and 20 minutes through the desert with my good friend Lizzy Picardi, unsupported with just the water and food we could carry and WE DID IT.

Lizzy and I gearing up to head out for our Century Ride!

We did it without the help of anyone else and that’s not to say it wouldn’t have been nice or that we were unprepared by any means. Being able to do something like an unsupported century ride in the desert where the first 50 miles were literally in the middle of nowhere takes a great deal of planning, conditioning, confidence, and what I would like to say is a respect for the process.

And that is exactly what I want to focus on here—a respect and reverence of the process when embarking upon an endeavor like this. First, riding 100 miles IS A BIG DEAL. When I started riding my road bike in late June, early July of 2020, the thought of being able to ride that far for that long was so abstract I couldn’t comprehend it. Like I saw people doing these rides, or heard from friends about ‘the century they did once and how horrible it was’ and I nodded, then responded with, “Wow, that’s so cool” but not only did I not truly understand it, what baffled me the most was how people seemed to brag about how unprepared physically they were to ride 100 miles. Almost like a badge of honor, I continue to hear and learn about how many people have rode 100 miles without riding more than 20 miles. And sure, I applaud your can-do attitude, but it’s like the student in my class who does zero work the entire semester then during the last two weeks of class, asks how they can raise their grade and if they can make up all the work.

The day I bought my bike, “Best Girl” on June 27, 2020

Ummmm, NO, you cannot condense my four-month course to two weeks; and the fact that you think you can is insulting, devaluing the work of others, minimizes the planning I’ve invested in your education, and is a blatant lack of respect for the time, effort, and perseverance that comes with navigating through content and projects for an extended period of time.

The same is with endurance sports like running and cycling. The training IS the process. The training IS the journey, not the race day. Anyone can show up and run 26.2 miles and ride 100 miles. But what kind of showing are you putting up? How do you feel during the race? How do you feel after the race? The purpose of sport is not to wreck yourself and proudly brag about that time you didn’t train for a marathon but ran one anyway. If the aim is to gloat about how tough you are for doing these things, I implore you to look a little closer and dig a little deeper with the lens of looking to respect the process.

The Angeles Crest, with 4k+ of elevation on December 26, 2020

Respecting the process means putting in the work, the daily work; the real training which is the grind of being athlete that sets you up for success. Anyone can show up for one day, but I dare you to train and show up 6 days a week, sometimes for two-a-days when life is hitting you hard, when you are tired, when you are simply not feeling it; but alas you do it anyway.

Respecting the process means you look at those 100 miles the way I did: Something I want to do, but I want to do it well. Because the way I see it, if I am going to do something in this world, I cannot and will not show up and embarrass myself. Period.

But, respecting the process is about tapping into your WHY. Why do you want to run a marathon? Why do you want to ride 100 miles? Knowing and understanding your why becomes your North Star, your guidance on those days when you don’t want to train and show up. I have found that a fierce conviction and anchoring in my ‘Why’ is what drives me to train to the best of my ability. So, what’s my ‘Why’?

I like working hard to show myself that I’m strong and capable. I like doing hard things I’ve earned through my hard work. And through my hard work, I hope that I inspire other people to do things that are unfamiliar.

That’s my ‘Why’, take some time to think about yours. Like reallllllly think about it beyond the surface of needing accolades and likes on an Instagram post. Because the truth of the matter is this: When you are hitting the pavement, there is no one there alongside you. It is just you, your body, your thoughts, your training and preparation, and that’s it. It is during those parts of your competition where your want becomes a must. Therefore, respecting the process is about respecting yourself enough to know that you are worth investing the time into your physical and mental self so that you can be your best self for that race or ride.

Stay tuned for Part II: Preparing for your First Century Ride, Ensure Your Success!

Ventura to Ojai, through Lake Casitas for 60 miles of beautiful roads!

2019, A Year in Review

Arielle Miller / Abundance, Acceptance, Accountability, Adventure, anger, Central Coast, Central Coast California, Challenges, Community, Fitness, Motivation Monday, Remembering, Santa Ynez Valley, School, Teacher Life, Teaching, Updates, Yoga / 2020, Change is Hard, Honest reflections, Leaving Los Angeles, Motivation Monday, New Year, New Years Resolution, Reflecting on 2019, Reflections, To Live and Die in LA, Year in Review, Yoga / 3 comments

January 6, 2020

If you told me at the start of 2019 what the year held in store for me, I would not have believed you. At this point, I think it’s safe to say that things have reached a point where I can only laugh, because if I do not laugh, then I will cry and that certainly won’t change what has happened in the last 12 months.

Over the course of 2019, I was forced to address tremendous obstacles including the death of friends and family, moving away from Los Angeles to move to Santa Ynez to begin teaching at Lompoc High School, and struggled to acclimate to life in a small town while being ‘The New Teacher’ in a rural agricultural community. Without a support network and stronghold in a fitness community, I grappled with accepting the choices that I made to commit to this move, and found myself overrun by regret.

I felt that by leaving Los Angeles, I ‘walked away’ from a life I built. As my plans and dreams unraveled before my eyes, this itch my husband and I just haaaaaaaad to scratch seemed to blister and fester into a gaping wound.

As I attempted to navigate all sorts of emotions surging through my mind, the most persistent one, was anger. I was angry at myself, angry at my husband, angry at the people who moved my husband and I here. And above all, I was enraged with The Universe for conspiring to get us here.

As my frustrations mounted with respects to the direction of my life, doubt crept into my soul and passions such as my yoga practice fell by the wayside. At one point, my yoga practice waned to nearly non-existent which had a devastating impact on my psyche, overall mental health, and spirituality. Then, next to go was my fitness. With no cohesive fitness community in the Santa Ynez Valley, I felt a massive void in my life. The gym, taking classes, teaching classes, chatting with members, meeting new people, socializing with fellow instructors, having access to such high-end, state of the art facilities, and just being immersed in that scene left me without the motivation to bring myself to push myself to the limits needed to challenge myself physically. Finally, I just stopped doing things that brought me joy all together. And not because I was too busy or discovered new interests, but none other than the simple fact that I was crippled by regretting a decision I had made [ahem, moving to the country] and my depression set in.

I started neglecting the things that I previously garnered happiness from like my social media, drawing, writing, and recording podcast episodes. Any semblance of self-care disappeared [aside from keeping up with my roots that is] until I stepped up to coach the Girls Wrestling team at Lompoc High School…it was not until this point that I presumed all was lost, I can now see what I gained. I gained experiences that shaped me, that showed me what I need and want in this world. Spending my afternoons and weekends coaching the most badass group of gals I’ve ever met has transformed me. There are no words to convey how darn special my wrestling girls are to me. Coaching my small team of misfits gave me renewed purpose and if I am being candid was one of the major factors WHY I considered not going back to LA. Yes, I love my girls that much. Furthermore, I discovered kindness in new friends and colleagues. My department welcomed me warmly, with my department chairperson always offering earnest assistance and guidance. And my favorite, being in Lompoc gave me the the joy of educating children that hugged me when they walked into my classroom, and told me they missed me when I was out.

So, as I pack up my life [yet again] gear up to resume my ‘normal’—whisking off to a gym after work to teach fitness classes; I unroll my yoga mat with humility knowing that no matter how far I have ever moved away from my practice, it always lives within me.

As of late, I’ve made my way back to the mat. And the greatest lesson 2019 has taught me is that in spite of how lost I’ve felt and wondered who I was, that all along I was me—always standing in my power, owning my awesome, and facing life and what it hurled at me head on.

2019, it has been a WILD ride.

2020, I AM SO READY FOR YOU.

PART II: Feelings, Truth, and More Truths about Life

Arielle Miller / Acceptance, Accountability, Adventure, Alive, Build connections, Celebrate, Celebration, Central Coast, Central Coast California, Challenges, Community, Gratitude, LAUSD, Lifestyle, mindfulness, Remembering, Santa Ynez Valley, School, Teacher Life, Teaching, Updates / Be there for others, Gratitude, Tell Someone You Love Them / 0 comments

June 6, 2019

As a heads up: If you haven’t checked out PART I: Feelings, Truth, and More Truths about Life that was published on May 23rd, 2019, before you continue reading this, be sure to check out that post for context.

But before I continue with Part II, I wanted to point out that you may [or may not] have noticed a common theme from my last few posts on this blog, Instagram, and on my podcast, Leveling Up with Arielle Miller.

My colleague made me this beautiful cake for me as an early birthday present and to serve as a send off as I gear up for my new adventure in Santa Ynez and with Lompoc Unified as a high school English teacher.
It’s little things like this, well this wasn’t so little, it took her two days to make this cake, that show others they matter to you and that they have positively impacted your life. This cake made me feel so special, loved, and valued.

As of late, I’ve been spending a lot of time reflecting on life and the relationships we choose to foster with others. And in leaving what I consider to be some of the most important years of my life, it has shown me what I mean to others while reminding me that the only time we have is the present. Tomorrow is never promised, so please, please, please take the time to celebrate people you care about in real time. Do not wait for a deadline before wanting to call someone, grab drinks, go to brunch, or to host people in your home. Reach out now, don’t wait for great change or catastrophe–let those know whom you love that you love them.

I am by no means a perfect person. I have made mistakes. In fact, I have made many. Some that haunt me even today, and I can still feel the bitter sting of my past actions and choices, but I deserve that. I have hurt friends by not being there for them, not showing up for birthday parties, or dinners and more.

Nearly, eight years ago I lost my Uncle Craig. A beloved family member to all, adored for his eccentricity. Nevertheless, when he fell very ill from his diabetes, and was in assisted living, the drive from my parent’s home on Long Island was ‘always too long’ or ‘too much’. There simply was never ‘enough time for a visit’. Therefore, I never went. I never visited my uncle in his last few years and months on earth because I was too selfish, unable to carve out a few hours to ease his suffering. I mark my Uncle Craig’s death as the impetus, illuminating how I needed to reformulate the manner in which I was living my life. I said then and now live this truth: There is always time for anyone who is suffering, ailing, or in need of company. Period.

In the wake of my Uncle’s death, one of hardest things I have ever faced was reflecting on what I did, and in this case, did not do while my Uncle was alive. I vowed to never make the same mistake again. Subsequently, when my grandmother had a series of strokes after hip replacement surgery, rendering her bed ridden and in a care facility, I made sure to ALWAYS visit her when I came back to New York. ALWAYS. It did not matter how long or short my trip to New York was, and it did not matter how inconvenient going to see my grandmother was or potentially could have been. I made a promise to myself that I would not make the same mistake I made with my Uncle Craig ever again. Truly, I have tried to live my life in accordance to what I have learned from my past mistakes so that I could become an honorable person. One that when I looked in the mirror, I was proud of.

As we ushered in 2019, I consciously recommitted to go out of my way to support friends in any and every way I could. That meant showing up to grand openings of new businesses, for performances, parties, baby showers, and more. I started feeling better about my renewed purpose in being there for others. Showing up to these things felt right and has contributed to a wholeness I missed feeling. Sadly, I think all too often that people show up for others and events out of necessity, and that is not what I am talking about when I say to be there for others. Being there in the physical sense is not enough. Being there, fully committed to someone else is what I am talking about. It is about letting go of this notion that our time is somehow more valuable than others, that our shit is more important than being there for someone, and that there will always be time later on. Well, what happens if there is no later? There is only now.

Show up for others, and in turn, you are showing up for yourself. And hell, if people like you enough for being there for them, perhaps you’ll be lucky enough to have someone bake you a killer unicorn cake to show their appreciation for you.

Just saying.

PART I: Feelings, Truth, and More Truths about Life

Arielle Miller / Acceptance, Accountability, Adversity, anger, Celebration, Central Coast, Central Coast California, Challenges, Chronic Illness, Commitment, Community, Current Events, Gratitude, Lifestyle, Married Life, mindfulness, News, Remembering, Santa Ynez Valley, Scleroderma, Uncategorized, Updates / Being Honest with Yourself, Birthday Party, Canceling Plans, Community, Friendship, LA Flake, Leaving Los Angeles, Life in LA, Lifestyle, Live Your Truth, Los Angeles, Los Angeles Life, Moving, Reflection, Santa Ynez Valley, Self-Reflection, Starting a New Life, Starting Over, Supporting others, Truth Speaker / 0 comments

May 23, 2019

I am moving in four weeks. Since alerting friends of my move from Los Angeles to the Central Coast (specifically Santa Ynez), I have been inundated with inquiries about having a going away party and/or trying to see me. And I am pleasant and as accommodating as I can be. But I cannot help but feel a bit hurt that people have the gall to ask those things, especially now of all times.

You know…In October, I threw a surprise party for my husband’s 40^th. Nearly 30+ people said they were coming and less than 10 of our friends showed up. I reserved space at a hip bar in Hollywood, had ordered appetizers, and was excited to show my husband how much those in our lives love him. However, in the days leading up to the party people started posting in the Facebook group AKA the invite that they could no longer make it. Ok, fine.

Then came the personal messages to my inboxes on Facebook and Instagram of people canceling. Finally, then came the texts. For the two days leading up to the party, the day of, night of, the hour before, and even DURING the party, people alerted me that “Sorry, I won’t make it”.

I cannot even begin to describe the deep hurt and overwhelming sense of sadness I carried around for the days surrounding the party. Even before heading out that night, I had to step outside my apartment and cry hysterically to my sister about how this party turned out to be a disaster. All I wanted was for my husband to feel special and this party had the complete opposite result. My husband saw the wetness in my eyes, heard the heaviness in my voice, and noticed my body language as I started to shut down.

For those of you whom do not know my husband Greg intimately, he is one of the most beautiful humans on this planet; and I am not just saying that because he is my husband. I am saying that because it is an irrefutable fact. Greg is loyal, hardworking, funny, and above anything and everything, he is kind. His gentleness is a defining attribute, one that balances my fiercely intense nature. Greg is patient, airing more on the introverted side, but also an incredible force as a fitness professional and as an athlete. He is selfless, dedicating himself to his graduate studies in Public Health, while working tirelessly to raise awareness for Scleroderma through fundraising efforts by running the LA Marathon. Is Greg a saint? Absolutely not. Is he a pretty fucking fantastic human? YES.

Sure, like everyone, there is always room for self-improvement and growth. In Greg’s case, he struggles to actively cultivate meaningful, personal friendships. Really, that is it. See, Greg has usually maintained two careers, working long hours in the hospitality industry into the wee morning hours, and then waking up early to travel to all corners of the city to teach morning and lunch time fitness classes for Equinox. This intense and exhausting pace with which he led his life left him with little time to see friends outside of his work life. Now, I cannot speak for Greg, and I am not sure at the time he even knew that his grueling schedule did not permit the fostering of friendships, but his constant go, go, go lifestyle left him exhausted and depleted. As we have discussed at length, Greg now knows, sees, and feels regret for not slowing down, for not taking more time for himself and others, for not recognizing the signs when his body was screaming for rest…But what is done, is done. The only thing that can be done is to look to the past for the lessons to inform how to live in the present while constructing the future. Hence, this move to the country.

Reeling from the emotions we experienced after Greg’s party, we both assumed some ownership over people not coming to Greg’s party because it is only fair. In years past, either Greg or the both of us did not always prioritize the relationships in our lives. All that considered and taken into account, we both walked away from his party raw and sad, but prepared and eager to apply what we learned in our lives.

This year we wanted to have a New Year’s Eve party because Greg cooks, we have a great place for entertaining, and we LOVE having people over. We sent out ‘feelers’ to friends and were met with “I’m not sure what I’m doing, but I’ll let you know”. Sure, a few people said they had plans, some did not even respond. However, most people responded with what we both felt was along the lines of people waiting and/or looking for something better to come along. I get that, I really do. I get people want to weigh their options. However, when someone is trying to organize an event, especially someone who thought enough of you to invite you into their home; simply decline the offer. Wishy-washy responses like that are rude and inconsiderate; and I am fairly certain that your momma raised you better than that.

So, no.

We are not having a party because experience has shown me that people only show up when it serves them, not to celebrate others. I do not want to leave a city I love, filled with people I love on a sour note.

Call me angry or whatever you want. I am just calling it like it is. And perhaps I am angry, but I am going to honor that while committing to simultaneously relinquishing it as I stand in my power.

Honest. Raw. Authentic. Which is more than most people can say about themselves, so I will own it.

The madness and upheaval in leaving Los Angeles has stirred up many feelings, forcing me to truly go inward. From packing and saying good-bye to my chosen family, a common theme has emerged. We do not know what we have until it is gone. All too often, we look back on our lives perplexed, wondering where the time went…

Dismayed by missed connections and lapsed opportunities, often we are filled with regret when the shoulda, coulda, and woulda’s start to set in.

Why does it have to take someone you value and care about moving away before you want to spend time with that person, or tell that person what they meant to you?

Why does it take death and loss to realize that we did not make the time we thought we had, when we had it?

Why?

This is an important conversation to have with yourself. It is important to take a hard, honest, and REAL look at the person staring back at you in the mirror.

Recognize that if you are not the person you think you are and want to be—then the time to make those changes is NOW.

Not tomorrow or when it is convenient.

Now, because there is never enough time to spend with the people that you love and cherish, so stop waiting and putting it off.

I can say with confidence that I am proud of the life I choose to live, and the manner in which I lead it…

Stay tuned–To be continued in PART II: Feelings, Truth, and More Truths about Life…

My Healing Journey, Part II

Arielle Miller / 30 day cleanse, Abundance, Acceptance, Accountability, Adversity, At Home Workouts, Body Building, Celebration, Challenges, cleanse, Commitment, Diet, Diet and Exercise, Fitness, Goal Setting, Goals, Gratitude, Hard Work, Holistic Nutrition, Lifestyle, mindfulness, Nutrition, Updates / candida, candida cleanse, Fitness, Hard work, healing, Healing Journey, Health, Health and Wellness, Holistic Health, Holistic Nutrition, infertility, innercising, looking for answers, Mindfulness, rest and relaxation, Seeking answers / 0 comments

November 21, 2018

Everything Mona said made sense. It was eerie how well this woman knew what was happening to me and explained the long process ahead to getting me healthy again. But alas, it could be done. For the first time in a year, I had answers, someone who wanted to and could help, and an action plan. A few days later, I started on my natural supplement plan and Phase I of my Healing Journey which was [is] a very strict Candida Cleanse among other things.

One week in, and my clothes started to fit better.

One week in, the puffiness and swelling in my body and face disappeared.

One week in, I lost 7 pounds and started to feel lighter again. Not just in the literal sense, but as in taking up space. It is an odd thing to say in describing yourself, but prior to these positive changes in my body I just felt so off—so, so, so very darn off.

Then, just about one week in, I decided to go completely plant-based (as it was, we had cut my meat consumption dramatically to only one meal per day, so this was an easy transition).

Two weeks in, and my energy levels increased sustainably and now I do not need to nap just to get through the day.

Two weeks in, and my mood has changed. My overall demeanor is upbeat, positive, and I am feeling less and less anxious each day.

Two weeks in, I have lost another 2 pounds; making my total weight loss 9 pounds so far and there is STILL so much more work to be done (and note at the time this post goes live, I have not weighed myself, but I have had to take all my work clothes to the tailor to be taken in the waist!).

At three weeks in which is today, it will have been 29 days that I have been living a renewed and better life than I have lived in the last year.

But it doesn’t stop there. This work is not just about diet and supplementation. It’s about putting in time to ‘Innercise’ too. Each night I write in a gratitude journal noting the day’s highs and lows. I wrote recently on Instagram how this process has shown me that while we think there is always so much bad in our lives, it simply isn’t true. Each day, my Highs FAR outweigh the lows. As a matter of fact, in reflection most days, I cannot even think of a low. I’ve realized through this process that we ruminate on the negative things in our lives because we choose not to see the good. That, and we simply lack the capacity to see the good because we do not know how to filter it out from the perceived ‘bad’ in our lives. This process is showing me how to consciously seek out the light in my life and celebrate daily victories.

But, you want to know where the biggest shift has happed?

Some days I don’t workout. Yes, that’s right. Some days, I just come home from work, meal prep, read, watch some TV, and don’t go to the gym. I’m learning everyday how to listen to my body and its needs. If I am run down emotionally, mentally, and physically—hitting heavy weights will only exasperate my problems and existing negative feelings. Forcing myself to workout is just that—forced and at times felt like a punishment. Fitness and movement should never feel like you are serving a prison sentence. That is why I have worked intentionally to reframe what I do and when. At present while on my ‘Healing Journey’, I have completely phased out all heavy weight lifting. No Crossfit, no powerlifting, no body building, and no weight lifting at all. I have re-integrated yoga, steady state cardio, and added boxing to my workout routine with the occasional HIIT class here and there. And you know what’s happening? CHANGES!

I am actually becoming more fit by doing less.

I will say that again—I am actually becoming more fit by doing less.

My cardiovascular platform improves with every session in the gym. I am boxing longer, feeling less gassed out during workouts, getting faster, AND leaner by working smarter as opposed to harder.

What’s the catch?

What’s the takeaway?

Well, I think it’s clear.

If you want to make great changes in your life, you have to be willing to change your current trajectory and path. It is impossible to expect any shifts in your life if you aren’t willing to bend.

Yeah, yeah, yeah and I thought and said all the things:

I am working out and doing so hard, I am getting rest, I am eating healthy, I am seeing all the right doctors and specialists—blah, blah, blah, blah.

But what real changes was I actually making?

That’s the question.

As I excitedly navigate my new normal, eating what I call ‘unbreakfast foods’ for breakfast like brussels sprouts, eggs, and cauliflower with chicken bone broth (I am aware this isn’t plant based, but due to the gut-healing effects of bone broth, I am keeping it in my diet); I have chosen to alter my life. I have started to take control of my reality by flipping the script on my diet, the types of workouts I am doing while healing, and assessing how I feel about doing them. If an upcoming workout is stressing me out or rendering negative emotions—I skip it and do something else, or nothing at all. I am living slower. Taking on less, saying ‘No’ more and putting my husband and myself first. I stop to meditate, write in a journal, and truly reflect on the blessings in my life. I would have never thought that in the midst of getting healthy again that I would feel so blessed and bountiful.

During this amazing shift in my life, it was time for me to see the fertility specialist. Remember in my last post I mentioned I had seen a gynecologist who referred me to a specialist to address my cycle? When I made the appointment waaaaayyyyy back in August, November seemed like a lifetime away then; but the time had arrived nonetheless. Greg accompanied me to the extensive 2-hour appointment and workup. After a thorough medical history regarding menstruation, it was decided more data was need to confirm what everyone has suspected for years; that I do not ovulate.

Translation for those of you who do not understand the implications of this: If I had wanted to get pregnant, I could not become pregnant. I appear to menstruate irregularly, but it’s break through bleeding. Ultimately, the lining of my uterus is thickening as a result of not ‘sluffing’ it out monthly which could potentially lead to cancer. Finally, not menstruating regularly is a clear marker of hormonal dysfunction—period, see what I did there?!

Some tests confirmed what the doctors already suspected; I am indeed not ovulating which means I am not producing progesterone. And while I was diagnosed 4 years ago with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), I do not actually have it. This recent discovery was a suspicion my doctors and I raised in July because I didn’t have the symptoms of PCOS aside from irregular menses and difficulty losing weight. Ahem, this could be basically ANYTHING?! That said, when I did the research 4 years ago and I was given the initial diagnosis, it seemed right enough. So, I took the Metformin I was prescribed and accepted that this was how things were. I am so glad we took a closer look at this because in July 2018, my doctors told me to stop taking the Metformin. I mean, it wasn’t like it was actually helping control my weight. I was on the maximum dosage while gaining weight rapidly, so there was no point to take the drug unnecessarily.

This whole reproductive health discussion may appear off topic, but it’s not. This is all part of the bigger picture–the whole picture, the complete picture. How can I truly expect to be healthy if one crucial system of my body is shut down, dormant, and not fully functional? Whether I want to have children or not isn’t the issue here and that I want to make clear. Getting my body what it needs to start working again on its own is the goal.

Greg and I asked the doctors if my reproductive challenges played a role in my weight gain and other issues that I have experienced in recent years. They can’t emphatically conclude that it’s the sole culprit, but not ovulating does have its implications and certainly could have played a role. At present, I have been prescribed a 10-day cycle of progesterone to try to induce my period. If that doesn’t work, we go from there*. But again, it comes back to this—I am taking the right steps and actions to get healthy. I am taking a proactive role in my health and doing that AND getting answers feels so darn good.

I mean it when I say that I feel like I have been given a brand new life. I know now that this all had to happen for a reason…

So I could share my tale and inspire others to regain their health. Don’t be afraid to keep asking questions and demanding answers. Don’t stop seeking the answers, even in what may appear like the most unlikely of sources. And most importantly, don’t ever give up. You only get once change to live this life in the one body you were given, so give it your all—you deserve to feel better in your body!

*Since this post was written, further tests concluded much to everyone’s surprise it appears that I am actually ovulating. I was advised not to take the progesterone and will return to the fertility specialist in 3 months to monitor my reproductive system. Again, still lots of question marks, but the doctors and I are working in tandem to get to the bottom of this. I feel more optimistic than ever that in the near future, we will have more answers.

My Healing Journey, Part I

Arielle Miller / Abundance, Acceptance, Accountability, Adversity, Autoimmune Disease, Awareness, balance, Challenges, Chronic Illness, Diet, Diet and Exercise, Fitness, Hard Work, Holistic Nutrition, Keto, Ketogenic Diet, mindfulness, Nutrition, Strength Training, Updates / Autoimmune, Autoimmune Disease, Autoimmunity, Fitness, Healing Journey, Health, Health and Wellness, Seeking answers, Unexplained weight gain, Weight / 2 comments

November 13, 2018

Over the last year I have struggled tremendously. If you follow me on any of my social media outlets, especially on Instagram—you have watched my unraveling as my weight spiraled out of control without any discernable cause or explanation. I became more and more lethargic, depressed, anxious, frustrated, and more crippled by my inability to focus as a result of debilitating brain fog with each passing day.

Every day I’d wake up, walk to my closet and sift through my clothes, “Nope. No. Not that. That doesn’t fit. Not that either. Nope. No. No. No.” Which finally always culminated in a breakdown of tears in frustration because I literally couldn’t get dressed for work. Absolutely NOTHING I owned fit me any longer. Even my stretchy clothes and my sports bras were almost too tight to wear, and as it was, there were already some stretchy clothes I could no longer fit into. Demoralized, enraged, broken down I spent the last few months seeking answers.

I spent my entire summer in and out of doctor’s offices. Prior to this point, as my body and energy level started to change I sought out the help of a Registered Dietician. I was Crossfitting 4-5 days a week, counting macros, adding in rest days, adjusted my sleep schedule and in the end; the RD I was working with finally said to me she could no longer accept my money because in spite of everything she did to help me lean out and build some muscle, we were making zero progress.

Then, I saw a rheumatologist and she tested me for nearly every possible thing known to man, including my hormones. My blood work all came back normal with the exception of a positive ANA (Antinuclear Antibodies) which is the marker for autoimmunity and positive Thyroid antibodies, AKA Thyroid Peroxidase Antibodies. This meant that my body was showing signs of an autoimmune condition called Hashimoto’s Disease, but since I still had normal Thyroid function; these tests did not indicate I was suffering from an autoimmune disease. Since I was not quite sick enough to be treated, the doctor told me this could be reversed with lifestyle changes.

Lifestyle changes…?

Yoga, meditation, not working out, self-care, therapy, de-stressing, and generally just slowing down.

Lifestyle changes?! What do you mean? I eat well, workout, just got promoted, have a great apartment, in a city I love, where I get to share my life with an incredible husband, I have great friends, a wonderful family—what possible changes do I need to make to my life?!

I felt like this was fucking bullshit. But nonetheless, begrudgingly I made all the changes the doctor told me to make. I revamped my daily meditation practice, cut out the weight lifting, started walking, doing more yoga, resting, and trying to slow down.

In June 2018, I went Keto (short for the Ketogenic Diet), which in my last post at one week into the diet raved about how it was changing my life. However, what I failed to do was update that post. Because after my first week on Keto where it appeared that I had lost some weight at week two, I was UP three pounds, then four, then five and before I knew it—by summer’s end I had gained 13 pounds and increased my body fat by 10%! While I did not know this at the time, even as I phased out a Ketogenic lifestyle, alllllll the healthy fats from avocados, Primal Kitchen dressings, nuts, oils, and nut butters were LITERALLY TURNING MY BODY INTO FAT. While Keto aficionados will vehemently oppose this, do your research. There is a small amount of the population that Keto:

– Doesn’t work

– Actually promotes fat gain because the body’s systems, specifically the liver are so taxed that it cannot metabolize the fat. So, the fat is NEVER actually used as fuel and is well, just fat

This was clearly the case for me. Keto wasn’t The Magic Pill and I was devastated.

In July 2018, I saw an endocrinologist. My blood panels were all normal and that was the end of my treatment. What treatment? Yea, my thoughts exactly. Western medicine nowadays is comprised of running blood tests, discerning whether the results are within the normal range or not, then sending an email with the results. Today’s medicine practitioners aren’t actually concerned with identifying root causes, just prescribing a pill and calling it a day. But I digress.

In August 2018, my husband and I spent $1,000 of money we did not have at Bulletproof Labs, a Biohacking facility in Santa Monica to aide in my recovery. We were hoping that this fringe science was the answer to our prayers. It wasn’t, as it did not work.

In late August into September 2018, I started working with a naturopath. I saw her weekly where she conducted ‘Muscle Testing’ to determine the dosing of herbs and supplements I would take that week. During this time, despite her attempts to stop or slow my weight gain, I kept gaining about 1.5-2 pounds a week. Finally, after 5 weeks, she referred me to someone with more experience to help me because after spending nearly $100/week to seek treatment from her, I wasn’t getting any better.

During this time, I also saw a gynecologist. She biopsied my uterus to rule out Uterine cancer since she believed I wasn’t ovulating; nor had been doing so for the past 10 years. So, just to be safe, what was supposed to be a routine visit to dig deeper into my hormonal issues; she biopsied my uterus. Gentleman, you have NO IDEA what this entails nor could possibly feel like. Ladies, if you’ve had a LEEP procedure you can infer how this felt—and I had a LEEP in my 20’s. THIS WAS NOTHING LIKE THAT. It was HORRIBLY painful and uncomfortable. I mean we are talking about taking a chunk out of someone’s flesh and I will just stop there.

Thankfully, the biopsy was negative, but I was directed to a fertility specialist to delve deeper into my ovulation, or lack thereof. Table this—more on this later.

Why this long case history of my last few months? I felt it vital to understanding my last year was filled with counting macros, The Whole30, intuitive eating, going Keto, reverting back to my body building diet; all while pushing myself harder and harder in the gym and at Crossfit and making no gains. Over the last year, I was so devoid of energy that workouts wiped me out. More specifically, during intense exertion, I crumbled and couldn’t perform. I had an entire year without one Personal Record, no competitions or meets, and nothing to show for my hard work other than severe depression and anxiety, a thickening waistline with 25 pounds added to my barely 5’1 frame, fatigue, no menses, and yet according the doctors I was ‘healthy.’

I refused to accept that this life was my new normal. What’s more, I couldn’t fathom how the medical world wasn’t boggled nor concerned as to how and why I was exponentially gaining weight.

Thankfully in early fall, salvation was delivered in the form of a chance meeting at a Reiki healing event with my husband that our amazing rheumatologist had organized. Mona, a gorgeous woman with radiant skin, lush brown hair, magnetic energy, and an adorable baby just so happened to know Greg AND our rheumatologist! What a small world and in the vastness of LA, an even smaller city. Turns out, Mona is a Holistic Nutritionist and so, so, so much more.

After meeting Mona, a few weeks passed before Greg suggested I reach out to her. I mean, what did I have to lose [pun intended]? Mona called me and we spoke for about an hour. She asked me questions about my health and goals, shared some personal anecdotes about her own struggles, and her process to help people regain their health. Our conversation was effortless. Mona is infectiously likeable, genuine, caring, and INSANELY knowledgeable. I knew the moment I ended that call that help had arrived.

Mona sent along her client intake forms and a host of other materials for me to complete. I couldn’t get them back to her fast enough. I was ready to heal and get this journey going already! Over the two weeks to come, Mona poured over my forms and all of my extensive blood panels from the last 2 months. And when I say poured over them, she texted, emailed, and called to gather more information and ask more questions. At the end of the two weeks, we had a 2-hour phone call where she went over the data and a 10-page treatment plan.

Answers.

FINALLY.

Stay tuned for my second installment, My Healing Journey, Part II next week. If you do not subscribe to my blog, make sure you do so ensuring you don’t ever miss a post. Until then, stay healthy my friends.

Live Your Best Life As Your Best Self in 2018

Arielle Miller / Abundance, Acceptance, Accountability, Adventure, Adversity, balance, Build connections, Celebrate, Celebration, Challenges, Community, Fitness, Goal Setting, Goals, Gratitude, Hard Work, Lifestyle, Married Life, mindfulness, Motivation Monday, Updates, Yoga / 2018, Dedication, Goal Crushing, Goal Digger, Goal Setting, Goals, Happy New Year, Married Life, Motivation, New Year, New Years Resolutions, Setting Intentions / 0 comments

January 1, 2018

It’s the New Year so you’ve committed to a “New You”. You have bought yourself new kicks, snagged a new gym membership, and you are ready to re-invent yourself in 2018. Whoohoo! Well, here’s my problem with this whole “New You” business. This concept suggests that the person you were in 2017 wasn’t good enough and I don’t like that. What was wrong with who you were in 2017? So maybe you didn’t achieve what you set out to do, you didn’t meet the partner of your dreams, get that promotion, whatever—but that doesn’t mean the entire year was a wash and what’s more, it certainly doesn’t require an entire personal overhaul [unless of course, you are are horrific human and in that case-well, tear it all down and begin anew].

Ladies and gentleman, we are entirely too hard on ourselves. We HAVE to love ourselves more so that we can thrive (yes, yes, yes I am working very hard on accepting certain aspects of myself, sigh). For us all, last year like any other was filled with joy, struggle, and laughter. For all the bad that may have happened, there was also SO MUCH good! In looking back at your 2017, as you prepare to tackle 2018, I want to ask what I feel to be more pertinent questions:

What speaks to your heart?
What are you doing to bring the things that speak to your heart alive?
How have you nourished your soul?
How are you filling your cup while you are serving others?

What terrifies you?

I mean what is something you have always wanted to do, but let your own fear and self-imposed inadequacies stand in the way of you reaching out, branching out, and growing?

Get involved in something.

Be part of something bigger than yourself.

Commit to something.

Train for something.

Find your faith or connect to a higher power. Whatever your faith maybe or whatever it is for you where you derive your spirituality from should be something that brings you strength.

The thing is here, there are no right answers to how you need to cultivate your soul, fill your heart with life and light, and wake up invigorated and energized by life. I invite you to move away from thinking you need to change the you that the world knows. The current you is just fine. Simply, look to this New Year as a season of hope, after all–obstacles in our lives are merely opportunities in disguise.

I wish you all the happiest New Year as you look boldly and confidently ahead. I will be here to celebrate your journey, laugh, sweat, and cry with you. So stop what you are doing right now. Reflect and dare to dream big. You hold the pen to craft this tale and it is up to you to fill the pages of your story.

Arielle’s Goals and Vision Board

And to help hold us all accountable, I am sharing my personal vision board with you all. About a month ago on November 19th, 2017, Greg and I each created our own vision boards to kick our lives into gear before 2018–’cause why the hell not?

We mapped out 3 things to focus on individually: Short, Mid-Range, and Long Range goals with tangible time frames, as well as couple goals we hoped to accomplish together (seen on my board above).

At present, Greg and I have our goals hanging on our closet doors so we see them daily. Personally, I like to take a quiet moment when starting AND ending my day to check back and reflect on my goals while rereading them.

We had a great time doing this little exercise together: markers, colored paper, wine, and them some good TV when we were decorating…Or when I was decorating, haha. Doing things like setting intentions, goal setting, and vision boarding helps not only bring you closer to your hopes and dreams, but also those you care about!

Greg’s Goals and Vision Board

Happiest of 2018, my Fitness Family, Friends, Loved Ones, Students, and those whom I have never met. I hope this year is truly transformative!

#MeToo

Arielle Miller / Accountability, Adversity, Awareness, Challenges, Current Events, News, Teacher Life, Teaching / #MeToo, Current Events, Equality, Harvey Weinstein, LAUSD, Me Too, Me Too Movement, Mistreatment of Women, Public Education, Reblog, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Harassment, Teacher, Women's Rights / 0 comments

October 16, 2017

As the “Me Too” movement sweeps the worldwide web, I am compelled to retell an experience that was particularly harrowing for me to endure a public school teacher. Almost exactly 2 years ago to the date, I was sexually harassed by a group of male students while walking to my car after staying late at school to grade papers. For me, it wasn’t so much the verbal abuse I suffered, so much as the way I was treated when I reported it [and by a woman no less!].

My supervisor Mrs. Jones*, a petite and attractive woman sat across from me in her office and leaned across the desk before speaking, “Are you sure Ms. Miller that the boys weren’t 9^th graders?”

She paused waiting for me to respond, then continued “Because, well you know how these 9^th graders are…”

Mrs. Jones paused again, then sighed before laboring on, “Look, I’ve been where you are Ms. Miller. It even continued to happen to me when I was pregnant! It’s just how these things are. Boys will be boys.”

Stunned, I am certain my face wore the look of shock and terror as I flatly retorted, “It doesn’t matter how old the boys were. What matters is what they said, how they said it, and to whom they said it. I want to make a report. These boys need to know this kind of behavior and language will not be tolerated and is wrong.”

“Well, Ms. Miller we can consult School Police” she said, “but since the boys who harassed you won’t admit who made the comments, we cannot punish them.”

“So, punish them all!” I firmly stated.

My administrator called the School Police officer into her office. The officer didn’t bother to sit down, shake my hand, nor introduce himself. Instantly, I felt like I was a burden and could sense his annoyance with being summoned to meet with me. I hurriedly rehashed my story. There was hardly a pause between when my story ended and the officer’s response, “Yea, so there isn’t anything we can do here since we cannot confirm the origin of the comments.”

“Again” I began, then continued, “Like I told Mrs. Jones I do not see why we cannot discipline all students involved. If anything this is an opportunity to educate these boys. I mean, is that not what we do here?!”

“I’m sorry, but that’s not how we do things, Ms. Miller” replied the officer, before turning his back to me and leaving.

I vividly recall that conversation and moment in time. I felt let down by the very systems I represent and uphold. I felt like as the victim, my claims were diminished and I was bothering the people to which I was attempting to report my harassment to. And yet even some few years later, I still cannot fully wrap my head around what happened or even why I didn’t speak up. Why didn’t I fight for myself and all those other women? Why did I allow this situation to be so grossly mismanaged?

All I can say and speak to is what I know, and what I know about survivors of abuse, sexual harassment, and rape is that we are failing these people—we make them feel like they are wrong. We shame the victims. We ask them what they were wearing, question their choices, and even say ridiculous things like “boys will be boys”. So, it’s no wonder people remain silent and quietly accept the abuse [or report it years later]. It’s no wonder that my newsfeed on social media is an outpouring of #METOO. We simply do not take sexual misconduct seriously and it disgusts me.

In an effort to bring further light to this issue, I am reminding you of my tale. Sadly, this is only one snapshot, an anecdote, a quick glimpse into my life and work…I have so many other stories to tell…

*Names have been changed to protect the identities of the people mentioned in this piece

To Be a Woman: Originally posted on October 2, 2015

While working in the professional world I’ve learned that as a woman with a well-developed derrière and what society likes to call “curves,” I must not wear any sort of form-fitting clothing to work. Society has conditioned others to view my body as sexy when in reality my physical-self is just that; a shell that warehouses my mental, social, and emotional-self, but the world doesn’t see any of that. The world or shall I say men, only see a short girl with a fat ass and for some reason that’s carte blanche for men to comment, heckle, and harass me and other women alike.

While leaving campus today at around 4:15pm, I saw a group of young men congregating near the only exit available to me to leave. Throughout my years in education, I have become increasingly aware of my body and sadly uncomfortable by it. Walking the crowded halls of a campus through throngs of adolescent men has taught me to walk briskly, head down, and at all costs; avoid groups of young men if I want to minimize the onslaught of unwelcomed sexual advances, comments, and cat-calling. Today was no different.

Grab your phone.

Look down.

Appear busy.

Move deftly.

Do not make eye contact.

Must get to car as fast as possible.

As I approached the circle of boys, I recognized a few faces from the halls but I didn’t know any of their names. A boy sharply shouted, “MIZZZZ MILLER!”

I pretended to ignore them as they weren’t my students and I didn’t know them.

Grab your phone.

Look down.

Appear busy.

Move deftly.

Do not make eye contact.

Must get to car as fast as possible.

Finally, an anonymous male voice from the crowd:

“Look at all that booty.”

Immediately, the words accosted my ears. And right then and there every single fiber of my being tightened, my face reddened, and I felt naked and completely exposed. Time seemed to slow and halt in a stillness that felt like eons as I ruminated over my response and how to react.

I contemplated mouthing off to the boys, demanding who was responsible, and asserting my teacher-ness but alas, I did not. Instead, I felt intense shame for my body. I was embarrassed and hyper aware of my butt—was it jiggling? Can they see it? What are they thinking as they watch me walk to my car?

Was this really happening to me?! Again?!

Hot with shame, and feeling grossly exposed, I didn’t stand up for myself. I was paralyzed. My body and my mind couldn’t respond.

By the time I got to my car, I was crying. I opened my car door and sat sobbing in the stale warm air of my car while I replayed the incident in my head. I felt disgusted with myself, and my body all because I am a woman.

What the fuck has happened here?! How is it that as the victim of sexual harassment I am blaming myself?! Wrought with guilt for what may appear to someone as not a big deal, I skipped my workout, and cried the entire 20-minute drive back to my house.

There is something seriously wrong with how women are perceived in our culture. For years, I have made sure that I do not wear anything to work that alludes to my womanly figure because women with bodies are considered ‘voluptuous’, sexy, and temptresses. First off, that’s bullshit. Second, I work hard for my body. It’s lean, muscular, and something I shouldn’t be made to feel guilty about. But when skinny, tall, and lanky women wear fitted clothes, they’re not seen as sex objects. I don’t get it. It really doesn’t make any sense to me—we emulate the model-like body in beauty magazines and Hollywood, but somehow a curvy woman’s physique is considered sensual??? Someone PLEASE explain this to me.

Here’s what I know: I am not letting what happened today on campus die with me.

My silence would only affirm that if women do not stand up and speak up for themselves, nothing is going to change. While I may not have spoken up for myself at the time, I refuse to stand idly by to misogyny and sexual harassment at my school or in society.

Together we must take a stand and speak out against such verbal assaults against women. And while I may have been silenced once by my own insecurities, I am stronger now.

I am ready.

America, The Time for Reform is NOW

Arielle Miller / Accountability, Adversity, anger, Awareness, Challenges, Community, Hard Work, School, Teacher Life, Top Stories, World / Addiction, Columbine, Education, Government, Gun Control, Internet and social media addiction, Las Vegas, Mass Shootings, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Psychology, Public Education, Reform, Restorative Justice, School Shootings, Social Media, System, Teacher Life, Teachers, Video Game Addiction / 2 comments

October 3, 2017

In the wake of the mass shooting that occurred in Las Vegas late Sunday night on October 1, 2017, we are a nation in mourning. Overwhelmed by sadness, why’s, knee-jerk responses, passionate social media posts, cries for gun reform, and blame; we are desperately searching for answers. Where does one even really being to process such a senseless act of violence and tragic loss of life? How do we explain the world in which we reside to our children? Who is responsible? Why did this happen? And how on earth did this happen?! Our questions are endless and sadly, many of them will remain unanswered. However, I would like to offer my insight to mass shootings in this country.

Growing up, I lived Columbine and other school shootings. Not lived through or experienced in the literal sense but the fear I felt, worrying if my idle Long Island town would be rocked by such violence was very, very real.

It was a terrifying time to be a teen. The media had dubbed the time period surrounding Columbine ‘Shooting Season’. Daily, my peers and I came to school and walked the halls with trepidation…

Wondering…

Watching…

Alert.

Anonymous notes flooded in to our counselors reporting any signs of odd behavior, depression, Goth kids, and anyone we considered to possibly perpetrate violence on a grand scale. It was a scary time coming to age during this era, all while the world was also on the brink of a cyber revolution.

According to MarketWatch, the break down for reasons the 10 Most Deadly Mass Shootings in U.S. History are as is follows: Both Mental Health Issues and Terrorism/Crimes of hate each account for 8/10 crimes committed. The remaining 2 acts of violence cite work place revenge and most recently; the massacre in Las Vegas is still a mystery as the motive is currently unknown.

What I am about to unearth are my theories regarding mass shootings in America. Some of my theories are deduced from my own experience, some research, and anecdotal evidence garnered as a public educator for 13 years. Much of the lens I am examining this problem is though the current youth, our education system, and other problems that I have identified in American society. You may very well not agree with me, but all I ask is that you keep an open mind and are receptive to my points. I aim merely to offer perspective and insight in a time when lucidity gets muddied as our emotions get the better of us.

1. Inability to Appropriately Address and Treat Mental Health Issues Properly

The mental health crisis in this country is one of great concern. It is truly an abomination how we recognize, treat, and care for our mentally ill. Depression, anxiety, and personality disorders are stigmatized, not talked about, and presented as if some dirty secret.

Additionally, health care is not readily available nor affordable to much of the population; therefore, compounding the issue for people trying to seek help.

Social workers and other mental health providers are over worked and underpaid. Schools often have only one social worker, who is shared between multiple school sites. Students are shuffled in and out of the system quickly because it’s overloaded and as if that weren’t enough, our society criminalizes the mentally ill!

As a public school teacher, I have read countless journals from my students about depression, self-harming behavior, and bullying. I have also observed/been privy to information regarding many disturbing behaviors in children from sexually assaulting other children with foreign objects, to children killing their pets and gloating about it. I have seen these problems get swept under the rug, dismissed, or not adequately addressed because we simply do not have the man power or resources to treat these children.

Every adult that has carried out mass shootings, was once a child—a student in someone’s classroom. Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris were teens who wrote disturbing pieces in their English classes, maintained online websites, and personal journals all leading up to the horrific Columbine Shooting in Littleton, Colorado on April 20, 1999.

Where were the teachers? Why weren’t services offered to these boys? But really what I am talking about here, or wondering rather, is why haven’t we learned? Why can’t we have a real conversation about real issues and real things that matter? Who really gives a shit about Keeping Up with The Kardashians?! We have people who need our help and we are too busy distracting ourselves and cannot see the real issues deserving of our attention.

2. Cyber Revolution: Social Media and Instant Gratification

In 2000, as the millennium rapidly approached, accessibility to the internet, email, and a super highway of information was unleashed on the world. It is a known fact that Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris used the internet as a means to conduct research to acquire weapons, build homemade bombs, and publically post their dark stories of death and murder. What we saw at Columbine, sadly would not be the end of the internet’s role in influencing mass shooter’s mindsets. Whether from exposure to Islamic radicalism, to self-imposed isolation/reclusiveness, or compounding depression and other mental deficiencies; the internet and access to information anywhere, anytime is certainly a factor in such violence.

According to the American Psychological Association, people toggling between 3 or more social media platforms are at greater risk for depression, anxiety, poorer concentration, and changes in mood. Other risk factors associated with extended use of various social media are the effects of cyber bullying, and the pressures of keeping up with the culture of various sites, etc. Ultimately, studies found that these kind of factors lead users to ruminate over their time on social media even when not using it, eventually leading users to negative thoughts about self and low self-esteem.

Our current world is one of instantaneous gratification. Our youth are accustomed to getting answers and communicating in real time. They send texts, direct messages, emails, and Snaps as a means of what they believe to acceptable forms of communication. All too often my students will send me direct messages on Instagram inquiring about class or homework as opposed to emailing me. Read receipts allow people to see when messages were viewed and if a response isn’t rendered immediately, hostility and anger brew within the sender. We are in dangerous water, living in this digital landscape. People expect, no, they demand a double tap on their Instagram photo, a follow for follow, unfollowing on Instagram is a personal affront, texts need to be answered instantaneously, and emails responded to in mere minutes.

Our thought processes are rash and impulsive. Keyboard warriors are hitting send and eagerly anticipating a response as they wage war on others and engage in discussions online in their efforts to communicate. So, as far as I am concerned, people’s ability to wait for things—anything, no longer exists. Science has continued to prove that the internet, social media, [and excessive gaming] have countless negative effects on the brain, social development, and mood.

Why are people so violent? So angry? So quick to act? Simple. Because in the world that exists between their thumbs, life plays out every time you slide your screen down to refresh your feed.

3. No Failure Mechanism in the Face of Moral & Societal Decay

Every generation looks back at their childhood and wonders what in the actual fuck happened to society in their adulthood. At present, I am in my mid-thirties and I find myself looking back at my youth thinking “Ahhhhh, it was a better time” AND the music was a helluva lot better. But perhaps it’s not that things were even better back in my childhood, so much as adulting seriously sucks when you realize the shit storm in which you reside.

We live in an era where words no longer have the meaning they used to. Everyone is overly sensitive, offended, triggered, or incapable of functioning ‘because their feelings were hurt’. Our society has completely and utterly degraded to the point where feelings take precedence over job and academic performance. People are rewarded not for winning or demonstrating mastery, but merely because they tried. Children are given participation awards—no more do we have winners, but everyone who showed up is a winner! Hooray! I do hope you are sensing my sarcasm here. We’ve bred a society of children, young adults, and millennials with zero coping skills and no ability to take feedback to improve because their feelings may get hurt. So when things don’t workout, or go their way; these young people are unable to unpack, cope, and process situations which ultimately culminate with poor behavior, violence, or depression.

Our culture of Nice has produced a bevy of people unwilling to honestly reflect, strive for excellence, and maintain a sense of integrity. In my 13 years in the classroom, I have personally witnessed accountability fall by the wayside as parents, students, and even administrators point fingers to assign blame rather than teach ownership. No one assumes any sort of responsibility; hence, failing to teach people consequences. Cause and effect are shadows of a bygone period. Schools no longer suspend and rarely, if ever expel students. Instead, Restorative Justice is offered as an alternative to Deans of Discipline. Students and teachers sit in a circle and share their feelings with the goal of ‘repairing harm’.

In our society, we are failing miserably at instilling character in our youth. We are not guiding or leading people and showing them how grit and determination will get you far in life. And conversely, we are not showing our youth what happens when you make poor decisions.

Friends. Family. Students. Fellow Americans. We must stand together and make positive change to see this nation soar again and prevent any more violence on such a large scale. Sure, compassion and love are part of the answer. But so is structure, taking care of people’s health, unplugging from social media, and putting an end to unjustly rewarding people/students.

Isn’t it clear that what we are doing isn’t working?

Isn’t it clear that we are failing one another tremendously?

Isn’t it clear that we can do better by those that are suffering?

Isn’t it clear that we need less time on our devices and more time making eye contact?

Isn’t it clear that our country needs radical change that isn’t just legislation?

The time for reform is now before more tragedy unfolds in our country.

Accountability

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