Draw Me a Map
When I was in college, my then boyfriend introduced me to country music. Now, being from Long Island listening to country music was blasphemy, but this was during the early 2000’s and country music was booming with the likes of Keith Urban, Big and Rich, Dierks Bentley, Gretchen Wilson, and more. Country had taken on a more mainstream approach and immediately I took to its storytelling and compelling lyrics. So, here we are in 2019 and oddly enough, like the darkest hours of my life during the Pop2K era circa 2000-2005, I find myself longing, reaching, and clinging to the words that carried me through what at the time was the most devastating thing in my life:
When my college boyfriend dumped me after I moved to Plattsburgh, New York for him because he ‘wasn’t ready for city life,’ after I turned down my job with Los Angeles Unified School District, AND after he had gotten into graduate school partly because I wrote his admissions essay.
It was a brutal blow. I cried for weeks. Ok, I cried for months, even well into my move to Los Angeles I still pined for him. But this isn’t about one of the many times my heart was ripped from my chest. This is about how the music of that very difficult time period in my life helped me heal and now, on the brink of a very different kind of madness, I am rediscovering and redefining the woman I am, and will be as a result of my new perspective.
Life right now is tough. Well, if I am being completely honest, that is a complete understatement. This whole move to the country thing has truly proven to be literally one disasterous thing after another. From the spider infestation in my house, and yes, that is what I am calling it, to the state of my classroom when I arrived, to the courses I was assigned to teach this school year, to my classroom not having air conditioning or heat, to my husband being disenchanted with his job, to locals spreading rumors and trying to run us out of town, to my windshield shattering, to my husband then being laid off…WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN, and this isn’t even all of it!?
It just seems that while the universe set us up to get here, it was like a colossal joke because nothing is what it seemed. Think Cher in Clueless, this whole country gig is like a ‘Monet.’ From a distance it looked and sounded like a good idea; but in actuality it turned out to just be a big ol’ mess.
Living in the country and starting a new life has presented new challenges, and as a result a host of other things have surfaced. And perhaps, that is precisely why I am here—that I needed to be here for those very reasons. But right now while in the thick of it, it is so hard to see the light while walking in this giant shit storm. After all, I moved away from a city I loved, left dear friends I loved, gyms and group fitness classes I loved, a job I loved, an apartment I loved, restaurants I loved—should I stop now? Or shall I continue wallowing in self-pity?
What is my purpose for being here? What am I supposed to learn?
I ask myself that over and over and over daily. Usually though, it’s after a serious of WTF’s, but that’s neither here nor there. And in asking myself these questions, it has lead me to deep reflection and to seek solace in the familiar, which for me are the country songs that helped me pull myself out of my break up post college. Literally, I will listen to the same songs on repeat while scanning my brain for deeper meaning and the universe’s message to me in all of this. Often times though, I find myself wishing and asking for the answers. Like, what am I supposed to do? Where am I supposed to be? Am I supposed to continue teaching in Lompoc? Go back to LA? Move to Santa Barbara? Ugh, I have all these questions, but no answers.
And much like a country song, I romanticized being here, living here, and what I would do here.
Horses, cowboys, rodeos, Stetson’s, long stretches of rural roads and wide open spaces.
I saw all of it so clearly in my mind before moving here. I pictured myself integrating seamlessly into my country life, personifying a country song. But now, while living this life, I cannot help but feel like a foreigner in my own life. I don’t recognize the house I live in, the school where I work, the gyms and studios where I teach fitness classes, or the life I walk through daily. It almost feels like I am watching someone else’s life play out. Or like this is a really bad movie where EVERYTHING and I mean everything that could go wrong for the protagonist does go wrong and you roll your eyes because it’s just that ridiculous?! Yea, that’s my life.
I spend much of my time confused, pondering what lessons I am to learn from my current struggles and the answer is always the same: it’s too soon for me to see what I am to learn from all this.
Still, I cannot help wondering why and how did every thing align to get us here? Why did it all go so right, to then only go so terribly wrong? And again, more questions. And if I am being honest, sometimes even pleading where exasperated, in desperation I ask my mother to tell me what to do.
What should I do?
Try to make it work here? Move to Santa Barbara? Try to get a new job somewhere else? Or go back to LA? What is the right thing to do? I just wish that someone could draw me a map to ensure that the next step I make won’t be the wrong one…Or was this the right step all along? A step the seemingly wrong direction to help me find the right direction?
I guess only time will tell.